christmas.

"But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." ❤️Luke 2:19

Thank you, December. You did it. You absolutely were the best one. Way to go. Every sweet moment that could possibly be held & remembered & treasured, you provided. You wrapped up a magical year like a boss. Christmas week was the S T A R.

We hosted a few of our merriest parties and filled our cottage up with family&friends&neighbors//old&new. Many of our most favorite people were here and it was so super FUN. We even hired a caterer & bartender which is about as fancy as we get. 

Christmas EveEve was McCarthy Chili Verde Night. It's tradition & yummy & really special. Our family is warm&silly& everyone is FUNNY. We laugh the whole night through. It feels good. I'm 

deeply thankful for McCarthy's. We belong to each other.

(Plus. Now we have secret service. So don't worry about us. We're safe:)

We celebrated Christmas Eve at my parents and Christmas Day at my Ant Bert's. Every minute together was filled with love&games&food& laughter & a deep sense of gratitude. 

The night before Christmas sleepover was the cherry-on-top. Best friends&matching blankies& mimosas to toast our brand new happily-engaged couple. IT WAS MAGIC.

And so now I've been pondering and treasuring. My family says I say it every year. But TRULY. 

For so many beautiful reasons. THIS WAS THE MERRIEST CHRISTMAS EVER.

family.

'Then those who feared the Lord talked with each other, and the Lord listened and heard. A scroll of remembrance was written in His presence concerning those who feared the Lord and honored His name.' Malachi 3:16

At holiday season I get really really terribly nostalgic. Normal. Right? It's a few days before Thanksgiving. &A L M O S T Christmas. Which are truly the VERY same thing in my mind.
Completely& hopelessly thankful for the GIFT of God. For the gift of Grace. For the gift of Life&L O V E &family. My cute red christmas stuff is out. Because I can't help it. Because it's our first holiday in our new/old rambling cottage house. And because it's important. To welcome a season who's aim is joy&peace. Anticipation has settled in my heart.

I'm hoping to chronicle the next month here. Thanksgiving at the beach. (Tradition at my sissy's.) Christmas in Bakersfield. (Tradition at my house & My Ant Bert's.)  A month 

of L O V E  leading to Christmas. Filled up with the best family&friends ever.  You guys. My calendar & my heart are already F U L L.  

MerryMerry.

thanksgiving.

'Listen, listen to me, & eat what is good and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.' Isaiah 55:2

Super thankful. For a million tiny beautiful reasons. I'm in love. With life. With God. With my brilliantly wonderful people. Can't remember a year that has been richer, deeper or more sacred. Listening to the voice that matters. Eating what is good. Paying attention to the present. Staying out of other people's business. Noticing the graces of the moment. Staying inspired. Enjoying honest connection. Finding the good in our difference. Open to all things new. Learning from everyone. Spending my yes's wisely. Deciding who I will disappoint(&knowing it's ok). Understanding which circus &monkeys are mine(&knowing which aren't). Creating my own wild & precious life. Moment by moment. Day by day. 

This has been a glorious year. Of healing.Transformation. Reconciliation. Every step. Every struggle. Every misunderstanding. Every mistake. Every disappointment. Every regret. Every tear. All necessary. It all belongs. Because now I'm HERE. I like it here. It's anti-hustle. Anti-frantic. Anti-competitive. Anti-judge-y. HERE is warm & whimsical & silly. It's quiet &peaceful &content. It's spacious &open &free. My heart& soul &mind whispering thankyouthankuouthankyou.

chicago.

'For you were once darkness, but now you are light in The Lord. Live as children of light.' Ephesians 5:8

I went to Chicago last week for a magical adventure. A writers conference spilling over with good energy & lit-up people. It was everything I hoped it would be. Beyond.  Donald Miller. Shauna Neiquist. Glennon Melton. Bob Goff. I hugged and met & instagramed these dreamy authors. I listened and scribbled notes while they told secret stories. I was in heaven. Not one thing is sweeter to my soul than hearing an honest true brave hard-to-tell real life story. The one that tells me W H O you A R E.  I'll fall head over heels in love with you on the spot. 

This is Glennon Melton. I have a crush on her. She's a soul lover. Truth teller. Super brave writer. I feel connected to her because she lets me know who she actually is when she writes. She lives in light. Carries it with her like a torch. Leaves a little sparkle wherever she goes.  See. Look. We're all glowy & sparkly.

These are my real-life friends. Darci&Rhonda. They're the coolest. I made them come with me.

 I think they're glad they did.

There are so many best parts about Chicago.  I'm slowly sorting them out like Halloween candy. 

Don't want to forget. I like to remember that I have lots of space to grow. To be better. Kinder. Braver. It's really so exciting. To know that we can change. That we create our own lives. That we don't have to be stuck. Ever. That we're all wanted& loved &treasured by God. That he invites us into a life of 

rich connection&light. Unnecessary to fight over it. More than enough for us all. I got to witness it. Be a part of it. Share in it. Bring it home with me. Five days of church.

Thanks, Windy City.❤️

sister.

'Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you become blameless and pure children of God...in which you shine like stars in the universe.' Philippians 2:14-15

Jeff and I listened to a sermon on our way home from the beach on gratitude. It reminded me of my sister. Gratefulness. She's brilliant at it. She doesn't have a complaint in her body. Not one. She can find the best part of any soul & every circumstance. True story.

When I was eight years old my mom had a baby girl. Our family collectively named her Jacalyn Stephanie McCarthy. We call her Jasi. She was perfect. Still is. She belonged to all of us but I called her mine. She brought hope and light & love to our little world. A fresh new focus. Joy that only a baby can bring. She was much needed. Sweetest gift. My mom was in emotional crisis during pregnancy. Swept away to a mental hospital. Us three littles swept away to grandparents. Dad 

worked to keep our family 

afloat. I have scattered memories of that season. The best 

one of all. Baby sister. Out of every struggle comes something good. She is so good. Bright beauty. Shining star.

She grew up & married her darling high school sweetheart. Forges a gorgeous healthy marriage. Raises four amazing kids. Owns a fun&fabulous hair salon. Creates a happy full-of-love life at the beach. Turns hardships into growth&change. 

She's that one. The one that knows how to live life full on. Love her people well. A hoper, a dreamer, a doer. Interested. Interesting. She's a fairytale. If you know her, you agree. If you don't, you wish you did. She makes life better. She's loyal&true. She's grace. She's mine.

Lucky me. 

weekends.

.

Three years ago we moved our kids away to school & bought a bungalow at the beach. All in the same month. It was nuts. We had talked one day and some day and if only. All the dreams.  Then from out of the blue. Bam. The Bungalow. You guys. She's super cute. & sweet. & just perfect for us. We adore every magical bit of her. 700 square feet of heaven. Our weekend happy place. She got dolled up with some white paint & striped fabrics. She's light & open. Cozy & easy. We show up on Friday with a smile &bottle of wine and settle in. I mean. Seriously. Look at her cuteness.

Weekends have a familiar simple&sweet rhythm. Light-hearted fun. Restful days & friend-filled evenings. Dinner at Zorros. Breakfast at Seaside. Happy hour next door. (wait. did I mention mike&kelly live next door...:) Football watching in the man cave. Morning hikes on the ridge. 

Kayaks& bikes & reading &campfires & friends stopping by...sunsets & sweatshirts& 

whalewatching. 

Our little bungalow has become part of our story. She's a place we connect deeper& dream bigger. 

A place where a weary soul is restored....just in time for another Monday. Thank you darling bungalow. You're our favorite.

growing.

'Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.'  Matthew 5:5

This second half of life gig is really something. I have new eyes. Didn't ask for them. Didn't think I needed them. In fact, I was sure I saw pretty clearly. Worked hard at knowing all the important things. Studied scripture like it was my job.  Had most of God figured out. Until, I didn't. It scared the crap out of me. The old me was black&white. Either/Or. In&Out. This/That. All/Nothing. Had an answer. Had the passage to back it up. Spoke the 'truth' in 'love' often. Holy. Obedient. Passionate. Then, suddenly.....I got new eyes.

Suddenly. God is big. Unexplainable. Uncontrollable. He no longer fits in my little mindset. Tit for tat. You do this...you get that. I can't make sense of Him. Can't explain Him. Can't control Him. A beautiful Mystery. A marvelous Wonder. I'm learning to live in the big wide space of wonder & mystery.  Of 'I don't know.'  Of letting go. Of surrender. Of paradox. Of contradictions.  Of illogical & unreasonable GRACE. I don't need to be right. Ever. About anything. I'm open. I'm a believer in the God of unconditional love. In the God who brought me life and hope and freedom. The God who keeps growing & healing & transforming me.  In the God who gave me new eyes.  &I'm dazzled by them.

healing.

'Jesus said to him, "I will go and heal him."  Matthew 8:7

We're settling in. I'm hanging cute stuff on the walls. Meeting neighbors. Friends stopping by to peek and chat and bring treats. I'm even cooking a bit. It's feeling like home. We're quite happy here. Making memories already. No big parties yet. Mostly a friend or two on the patio with wine & cigars. Or.  On the sofa with a coffee or pellegrino&lime. I feel sometimes like I'm in a movie. We say to each other at least once a day, 'can you believe we get to live here?'  And then we sigh & smile & kiss. (romantic comedy❤️)  This move has been a good one.

Now. Can I tell you about my gray sofa? It's cozy and comfy and super cute. But mostly...it's a place of healing. When a friend stops by we plop down to tell our secrets. Happy&sad&scary&hopeful.....all the things. Kid stuff. Husband stuff. Heart&soul stuff. Listening. Telling. Exchanging words that matter. Rooting for. Loving. Understanding. Raw honesty. To know & be known. Friendship. Doesn't get better. It's life. It's healing.

I'm reading the gospels. What I find mostly is Jesus talking & healing. Talking & healing. Talking & healing. I like that. I'd like to be more like Him. My words to heal. To love. To encourage. I want us all to make it. For real.❤️ (Come over.)

affection.

'My dove in the cleft of the rock, in the hiding places on the mountainside, show me your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely.'  Song of Songs 2:14

I'm doing a bit of studying and organizing thoughts today. Speaking to some beauties at St. Francis Church in the morning. I'm happy about the topic. 'God's definitive declaration of affection.'  I mean. There's SO much. From my experience. He's declared His fondness for me over & over & over....times infinity. All the sufferings. All the happys.  All the kinds of LOVE have been the cornerstone of my existence. His love for me is relentless & persistent and FIERCE.  There isn't one condition for it. I don't have to be or do a thing. He is especially in love with me.  I can't be convinced of anything else. I live in it. Trust it. Don't overthink it. I can't lose it. Nothing I can do to make Him love me less. No good deed will help Him love me more. Actually. It's impossible for Him to love me more than He already does. He loves me to the moon and back..again&again...It's crazy really. Illogical. I wish I could help you see what I see and feel what I feel so you can know it too. And you may. I hope so.  Because it's a wonder. It's the way I feel about my kids. Yet even more than that. Crazytown. Unreasonable. Unthinkable. Impossible.

I've met the lover of my soul & He is exquisite.❤️

grace.

"They will be like a tree planted by water who sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; it's leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." Jeremiah 17:8

Thirty years ago jeff and I planted a little baby tree called 'us'. We were too young & naive to understand the needs of that fragile little thing. We were distracted. We were lazy. We were selfish. Five years of marriage and our tree was a pitiful twig. Not a leaf or root to be found. I remember how I felt. I was 27. Lonely & sad & convinced I married the wrong guy. I loved him. I wasn't IN love. All the big feelings were gone. I wanted OUT. I thought he might be relieved. I thought he might feel the same. He wasn't. He didn't. We counseled together. We counseled separately. We needed some clues& tools. We had neither. We had no clue how to talk to each other. No clue how to listen. No clue how to resolve anger. No clue how to really love. We didn't know how to water our little baby tree. To give it healthy roots. To give it a chance to grow and flourish. We got help. Year six of our marriage we used the tools &clues given and practiced. We practiced&practiced. We keep practicing. Every single day we practice. We practice the little graces of staying&listening&loving. Slowly&surely&quietly our little tree grew.

Tomorrow morning when the sun comes up we'll celebrate 30 years of marriage. That's a lot of days of grace.  My soul is amazed by it. Charmed by it. Deeply grateful for it. This little baby twig of a tree called 'us' grew up. She is beautiful&flourishing. Life-giving&sheltering. Her roots are deep. She's a place of hope&respite. Strong&safe. Shady&sure. She's the story of God. The story of ordinary miraculous lessons learned&practiced. She's the story of grace.

Happy Happy Day to my Prince. The love of my life. You who've made all my dreams come true. Thanks for staying. Here's to thirty more years of GRACE.❤️

perfect. (part 2)

"Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." Matthew 5:48

Every family carries a measure of dysfunction. I've never met one that is perfect. Sometimes the ones that appear the most perfect are, in fact, the most broken. Our McCarthy family was broken but  beautiful. I have a deep & loyal love for us. I'm grateful for the precious gift. Looking back helps in the moving forward and making sense. Much of the way I raised my kids and live my life is because of my experience with my mother. Growing up in a chaotic environment left me with a need for order & self-discipline. For control & peace. A happy family life. I may have thought there was such thing as a perfect mom. I poured myself passionately into the job.  I wanted to be the mom I wished mine had been.

Turns out. It wasn't as easy as it looked. I think for every one thing I got right... I got ten things wrong. Because "perfect" isn't a thing. We compare our insides to everyone else's outsides. It's a trick.
It's impossible to ever be enough. Luckily, I have wise kids. They never bought into the pressure. They pushed back. They've taught me and are teaching me about grace. About living a fearless life. Free of living up to expectations and conditions. Free of the need to prove themselves. Free to figure out who they are and where they're headed. Tattoos and all:)  perfect in their imperfections. They've been my best teachers in the school of mothering. Especially in the classroom of LeTTiNG GO.  My kids dazzle me. They're SO brave. So beautiful.

Jesus says to me 'be perfect ....be whole....include all your imperfections.  Be happy when you discover a new fault. When you screw up. Talk about it. Write about it. Be vulnerable. You won't have any grand illusions or reputation to live up to.  That's when all the greatness begins.' So. Yep. That's what I'm practicing. ❤️

perfect. (part 1)

"Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." Matthew 5:48

I've started this post a hundred times in my head but never here. I hesitate because I'm not sure I know how to say it without sounding like I'm blaming or dis-honoring my mom. I want to understand. to love. to have compassion when I think of her. & I do.....though I haven't seen or spoken to her in so many years. I wrestle with all of it. Not often. But sometimes.  It helps to process it. Talk about it. Reconcile it. It's necessary to write it.
This isn't her story. It's a part of mine.

My mom was pregnant at 16. Married at 17. Had 3 babies by the time she was 19. (I can't even....) I don't think she ever recovered. She raised us and loved us but life was just an overwhelming struggle for her. In those days, depression & anxiety were not spoken of. Or even named. They were a well kept shameful secret. And so we lived in survival mode. From the street side we looked good. But on the inside it was chaos.  Most of my memories of my mom are of her in bed until afternoon. Three littles getting themselves ready for school. Walking home together making their own lunch & getting themselves back.  Dad coming home from work making us all dinner. Every room in the house a mess. Her mood temperamental. Some days ok. Some days Angry. Sad. Upset. Throwing things. Slamming doors. Sometimes all night.  I never really knew why. We NEVER talked about it. I just kept my little self on high alert. I TrIED ReALLyHard to do everything I could to MaKE her smile. KEEP her calm.  KEEP her from fighting with my dad. KEEP her from yelling & crying &crawling back into bed. I thought if I TriEd hard enough. Was GOOD enough. HELPFUL enough. CHEERFUL enough.....things would get better. But they never did. Because she didn't. She didn't really want to. She was the one who needed to want to. I finally learned that we can't fix each other.

I'm sad for my mom. I'm sad for the life&love& relationships she's missed out on.  But...being her daughter has taught me so much. About perfection. About mothering. About enough. About control. About shame. About wholeness. About health. About forgiveness.  About compassion. About grace. About mercy. About love. About God.  And for those things.....I'm so very thankful.

moving.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights." James 1:17

I'm the bird. Jeff's the hand. We've learned to live a happy life together as the bird& the hand. I love change. Jeff likes familiar. I love new. Jeff likes old. I love to fly away. Jeff likes to settle in. I love moving. Jeff likes staying. So we stay...and then we move. We just moved. We've been married thirty years and this is our sixth move. (The bird isn't too crazy:).

Since I was little I've dreamed of living in Olde Stockdale. I've driven the neighborhood a zillion times noticing & admiring & breathing in the charm and history. Imagining the stories. The families born & raised. Many moving back to raise their own. Each house unique. Big. Small. Old. New. Fancy. Plain. Run-down. Fixed-up. Colonial. Spanish. Ranch. Traditional. Mid-century modern. Bungalows and mansions side by side. Gigantic trees and lush landscaping. This neighborhood so full of beauty & kind people whom we know and love. I thought it a brilliant idea to live here. My husband, because he loves me and because he's fabulous, agreed.

We found our new/old perfectly dreamy rambling cottage and sold our house to a dear friend. We were out in three weeks. Moved in with Mike&Kel for five weeks while escrow&paint&carpet and all such things were happening. So N O W.....we are moved IN. In. We live here. I can't stop smiling. It's fairytale-ish. Truly. Can't wait for the gatherings and celebrations & memories made and stories told here. We plan on adding to the L O V E & the H A P P Y of this precious old neighborhood. Come see us. You're all invited.

Mostly. I want to say T H A N K Y O U to Katy our friend&realtor. I called her Olivia Pope during the whole buying/selling process. She was absolutely our gladiator. Our fixer. Honest&Smart&Relentless. She made shit happen;)❤️

Also Mostly. T H A N K Y O U M&K for inviting us in when we were homeless. You're E A S Y &
F U N housemates. Such laughter & memories & wine!!!  We adore you. So glad you're ours.❤️

Finally & Most Mostly. Thank you J. The hand. The one who keeps me flying back to a safe place to land. You have made all my dreams come true. I couldn't possibly love you more.

married. (part 2)

"And what does The Lord require of you? To act justly. To love mercy. To walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8

I begin with Micah 6:8 because it's my husband's favorite verse. And because it describes who he is to me. The kind of man he is. Why I'm still crazy about him. He knows the secret: Do justly. Love mercy. Walk humbly....&..also...Be fun. Be funny. Be spontaneous. Be loyal. Be wise. Say nice things. Do nice things. Listen when I talk. Dance with me when I want to dance. Dress cute. Make me laugh. Don't control me. Hold my hand. Kiss my neck. Buy me nice wine. Tell me you love me every single day. Take me to the beach. Take me to dinner & a movie on a Thursday.  Hike mountains with me. Share your secrets. Apologize. Play me your music. Be honest. Read your bible. Happily eat whatever I make. Let me sleep. Be a bad-ass at work...get lots of awards & NEVER whisper a word about it. Walk through the door every day @ 4:00 with a sweet smile on your face & twinkle in your eye that says I'm glad to be home. Seriously. I could go on & on.

 I've been thinking about why I'm so happily married. Trying to write it out & break it down. I've been noticing him. Paying attention to the way he lives. All the small ways about him. It's him. He's exactly who he appears to be. He's the real deal. I like that. I like him. A lot. I can't imagine WaNTiNg to live my life with anyone but him. There's not another man that could possibly love me better than he does. He's a genius at it.

He treats me like he's lucky to be married to me. He pursues me like I'm not yet his. He dates me. After 30 years he's still dating me. Wooing me. Winning me. Choosing me. Preferring me. He looks me in the eye and listens. He says 'thanks for telling me' when I'm mad or conflicted or frustrated. He wants to know.  He wants to understand. He treats me with respect & regard. He keeps growing & changing & evolving. He doesn't get stuck. He's willing to do whatever it takes.
I'm madly in love with him. HE LoVES me Like a bOSS. These are a few of the reasons why Jeff Showers is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

married. (part 1)

'Because your steadfast love is better than life my lips will praise you.' Psalm 63:3

Riley was home for Christmas a few days. He met some friends at the Padre on Sunday evening and sent me a text inviting me to come down and have a drink with them. "WhaaaWhaat"!!! Seriously? You and your hip.young.cool.beautiful people WANT ME...to JOIN you!!! Umm..let me think about itYES! (quick change out of the p.j.s first...be right there.) I scrunched in a table with them and felt like the luckiest mom on the planet. They were in the middle of deep relationship discussions and wanted to pick my brain. Alright. Shoot. 'What's the secret to a happy marriage?'  Hmmmm..well.  I gave them all the wisdom I could muster. Everything I said sounded a little cliche....a bit formulated...the usual things they've been told for-ever. I heard it as I was talking....I wasn't believing my own words....so what came out at the end surprised even me...'you know what guys..to be honest...I think it's a crapshoot.' CRAPShOoT. Ha! We laughed and toasted to IT.  (hope they weren't looking for something a bit more spiritual;). You love who you love. You grab hands.  You jump. ALL IN.

Marriage is a mystery to me.  I wish I had a formula. You know like 'marry Christian' or 'marry money' or 'marry values' or 'marry best friend' or 'marry the one you can't live without' and THEN then then then....you will live happily-ish ever after. If only.  But.....honestly...after 30 years married....I'm calling marriage a cRaPshoot. Gamble. Risk. Uncertain venture. Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose. Harsh, I know. But true.  Pick your person and then work like hell to build a healthy-ish&happy-ish life together. Sometimes it lasts.  Sometimes it doesn't.  CrapSHOOT. It's just how it is.

I got lucky. All these years and I'm happily married. SO Happy. Of course there's a back story. I'm going to tell it. But for now.  The thing that I want to say & that matters most is JEFF LOVES ME WELL. I FEEL adored by him. He's learned the secret. I'm certain it hasn't been an easy feat.
But. He figured it out. He's really something special. He's taken my happiness seriously. He listens. He adjusts.  In return. I have a wild crush on him. After thirty whole years. Lots of life. I'm still crazy in love. We got lucky. Rolled the dice and won. Hallelujah.

mercy.

'I trust in thy mercy; my heart rejoices in thy salvation. I sing unto The Lord for He has dealt bountifully with me.' Psalm 13:5-6

You guys. Yesterday was a BOuNTIFUL DAY.  Early morning run along the (dry) river & secret keeping with a dearest friend. Mid morning writing session.  Lunch and sweet words with another dearest friend. The perfect finish ...a night with my precious&fun bible study girls. We cozied up at Shelley's around her table where she (loved us) fed us glorious delicious food on CHINA (not kidding;) followed by a 3 hour viewing of Les Miserable. Which happens to be about the COOLEST movie EVER invented/written/made. I'm not bragging about my day...but come on:))  my heart is STILL singing.

I'll never forget the first time I saw Les Miz. A theater at the beach with Kelly. We sat side by side and pretty much bawled through the entire thing. (you know what I'm saying.....the snotty sobbing kind of cry & we might have even held hands at the end...)   just wow. SUCH a bEaUtIfuL story of mercy & love & redemption. I keep watching it. Every single time I do, it CHANGES me. I will never get over the scene when Jean Valjean was shown MERCY by the benevolent Bishop. A tender mercy he had never known. He didn't deserve. It transformed him. Completely. Radically. For- eVER.
His soul was reborn. By charity. By kindness. By love. He became a steadfast vessel of all of it. He spent the rest of his days governed by COMPASSION. Extended it freely...even to his enemy. Over & over & over.

I want to BE like that. I adore this movie because it REMINDS me.  Reminds me of the mercy shown me every single sin-filled moment of my life. By a benevolent God. Who SEES me. kNOWS me. Is so very TENDER with me. Not because I DESERVE it. But because He LOVES. He is KIND. Generous. Bountiful. Merciful. I want to be all of ThAT. A life that sings of His scandalous MERCY.
His bEAUTIFuL salvation. His gLORIoUS grace. I say YES.  yES to all of it.

Love&mercy&grace to every soul. You are beloved. We all are.
 amen.

church.

'My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him.' Psalm 62:1

I've been slowly reading through a book called "Falling Upward" by Richard Rohr. He talks about the 2 halves of life. The first-half-of-life task of establishing who I am& what I believe...making commitments &raising family. Followed by the 'further journey' in the second-half-of-life. I've unexpectedly found myself here. On this second journey. I have NO IDEA what it's supposed to be or look like. This book is helping me make a little sense out of it. Giving me some language for it.  It's confusing & surprising & exciting. At the present moment I'm UNLEARNING more than I'm learning. Weird. Huh? I'm happily ALL in.

I mentioned a few posts back that I stopped going to church. I've been hearing some whisperings & 'concerns' coming from 'friends' who have 'missed' me on Sundays. Let me be CLEAR. I'm a lover of church. I'm NOT anti-church. I'm PRO-church. FOR community & serving& loving & encouraging. Church has saved me in so many ways. I've been a faithful Sunday church go-er my entire life. (The first-half-of-my-entire-life life.) I have always been a 'good Christian girl'. So. Of course.

Also. I'm fairly certain I will go back at some point.

I can't lie, though. It's kinda AWESOME NOT going to CHURCH. I have UNBIASED space in my head and heart and soul and gut. I'm free of the 'shoulds' & the 'should nots'. I've pretty much gotten rid of the bullies in my head who are constantly 'on' me about something. I have no one to impress with my holiness. No one else's standards to live up to. It's just me & God. These days a new kinda 'church' happens all the time.  Secret telling & sangrias with Clancy. Early morning runs on the mountain & at the river. Honest & deep conversations with friends. Music & fires & laughter with Riley. Wine & hand holding & kisses with Jeff. My entire everyday life has become sacred. This is church to me. REAL LIFE church. Loving & learning & listening & laughing. Connecting with God
& people. Isn't that what church is meant to be? I think so.

Seeker.

'Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.' Matthew 7:7

I meet with an AMAZING group of girls on Wednesday mornings. We are askers & seekers & knockers. We're tired of the lie of  'the good Christian girl'. It's stifling and suffocating and impossible. (frankly, it's bullshit.) We KNOW that the gospel of Christ means more. So much MORE. So. We meet. We pray. We read the bible. We talk to each other. Not the usual 'good Christian girl' talk. But the words that have been hidden deep down for so long. The words that get shut down by bossy believers who WILL NOT LISTEN. We are saying the scary stuff. The GOOD stuff. Our
precious SECRETS. We have BIG WONDERINGS. God's given us a SAFE place to wonder out loud. Together. I LOVE  iT SO dANG MUCH.

Also. I love Jesus SO DANG MUCH.  I adore Him.  He is the LOVER of my SOUL. He is my peace. He is my gentle shepherd. He's led me to a beautiful place. He's given me such rest.  He is lovely to me. He doesn't judge &criticize. He doesn't get nervous and change the subject. He doesn't even raise an eyebrow. Clearly He can handle all of my questions and doubts and fears.  He keeps teaching me and moving me and changing me by His LOVE. He gives me eyes to see, ears to hear and a heart that understands. He makes me Gutsy& Brave. If there's fixing to do in me...he does it. My heart is WIDE open and ready to be fixed.  By Him. People aren't in the fixing business. God is.

 So of course.  I ask & seek & knock.  And then I wait. I listen. &He whispers love & grace.
Love&grace fixes me. Lucky girl.

Faith.

'Your love O Lord reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies.' Psalm 36:5

My favorite thing is to hear a good story. Something True. Real. Raw. Redeeming. When I tell you my story. It's just that. Mine. It's my life told through my perspective. Influenced by my personality and circumstances. Whether it's all exactly the TRUTh depends on who you ask. It's TrUE to me. You know. Like my siblings for example. We were raised in the same house. Same parents. Same circumstances. Mostly the same experiences. Yet. We each tell a completely different childhood story.  Each one is TRUE. Real. Raw. Redeeming. Just different. Same family. Different story. Fascinating. Right?

I think faith in God is the same kinda thing. I believe in God. You believe in God. Yet. Our lives & stories & language sound different. Same God.  Different perspective of Him. Same God. Different journey with Him. Same God. Different experience. So. When I tell the story of God. I'm telling my story of God. It's not right or wrong it's simply what I believe according to who I am & how I think & my life experience. I don't have to believe everything you do or use the same words or live my life like you. We are STILL talking about the same God. Believing the same God. Loving the same God. Same family. Different story.   I think maybe He planned it this way. Pretty creative. Right?

The thing is. Not one of us knows all there is to know about Him. We think we know. We'd like to know. But. We just dON'T. He's mostly a bEAUTIFuL & LoVeLy mystery. He's BIG. Much bigger than our little 'corner of the truth'.  We tell our truth. But. It's not the WHOLE truth. We tell our story. But. It's not the ENTIRE story. It's just a part of it. Of course. Because. Well. He's GOD. We aren't. I think the eNTIRE sTORY is more than we will ever know. I think He is gREATER than we can imagine. It's silly to be SO CERTAIN about so many things that are straight up UNCertAIn.

What I believe this morning is this. God's LOVE reaches to the heavens. His FAITHFULNESS to the skies.   That's all I need to know for today.
love&grace to you.

Love.

'Give thanks to The Lord for He is good; His love endures for-ever. Let the redeemed of The Lord tell their story.' Psalm 107

I was 13 years old when I went with my jr. high friend stephanie halverson to her family's Pentecostal church on Niles street in east bakersfield & 'invited Jesus into my heart'. I'll never forget. REAL experience. I felt different. It was a BiG DeaL to me. Then &Now.  That was exactly 40 years ago.  Four decades of loving&following Jesus. Studying&teaching his word.  Chasing God and his Will.
This relationship with Him has defined my life. I'm telling you this in case you need my christian credentials. I'm a believer. I have been redeemed and His love keeps redeeming me every single day. Truth.

My very FIRST best friend in life is my big brother Tommy. He was born exactly 11 months before me. We are genuine Irish twins. He is the smartest guy I know. Brilliant. He's also one of the kindest most generous and loving souls I've ever known. Since the day I was born I felt lucky to be his baby sister.  He lives in Germany. Has a bad-ass job and travels the world. I'm so very very very proud of him. He's a beautiful man. I adore him. He happens to also be gay. (NoT by CHOICE.)  He's gay. That's it.   So.

I can't tell his story. But. I can tell mine. When christian people get all judgy & hateful towards homosexuals I take it personally. It's more hurtful & painful then you can wrap your mind around. There is something SO fundamentally WRONG with it.
I used to be twitchy & nervous when the conversations would begin. Not sure how to respond because I KnOW what the bible says. I Get IT.  Fear kept me quiet. It's a passionate subject. We won't all agree. BUt. What I do know is this.  LOVE is mentioned 697 times in the new testament.
Homosexuality is mentioned 6 times in the entire bible. (Jesus never mentioned it once.)


Hmmmmm.....
We need not agree or understand or have it all figured out. But we must love. We need to love. Love opens doors. Love heals.  Love leads. Love wins. While I'm here on this earth. I want to learn to love better. We can all learn to love better. If we are not growing in love, we are not growing.  Period.  
    (That's it on this. For now:)

Love&Grace to ALL.

2013.

"The Lord is my shepherd. I lack NoThInG." Psalm 23

Hey. Happy New Year. New year. New-ish me & hopefully a blog that's a bit more courageous.  I'm feeling brave enough to write. Excited to write, actually. I stopped  mid year because I was afraid to type out what I was really wanting to say. I took some time to figure out WhY.  After a few months of wrestling & listening & wrestling & listening.....I'm back. I'm vulnerable. Rusty. I'm gonna use this safe space to think out loud. If you are a reader... tHAnkyOU. THAnkyOU for listening. Listening is the most loving & kind gift we can give to one another. Hearing. Trying to understand. Without judging. Or fixing. Or controlling. Or scripture slinging. Just plain old fashioned look-me-in-the-eye &listen listening. Patient. Quiet. Humble. Kind. That will be good.

2013 was aweSome. Hard&Happy. Each day. Hard&Happy. My first of the year resolution was to practice writing. From my guts&heart&mind&soul. Nothing made-up.  Came to realize super quick it's NOT EASY being HONEST. First of all...honesty is complicated. "I want to be brave enough to tell my own story yet kind enough not to tell anyone else's."  That's tricky. Terrifying. Uncomfortable. Awkward. It makes me sweaty&anxious. So. I knew it was what I needed to get good at. I like to do hard stuff. Also...I figure that if I learn to say honest hard vulnerable scary things...maybe you will to. Then. We can be friends. Real friends. The kind that Jesus was & is. I'd like that. To know & be known. Best gift.

I stopped going to church. A couple of years ago. I wasn't mad. Or hurt. Nothing bad happened. I just wasn't BeLiEvInG all the same stuff I used to BeLiEVe. (apparently. it's called a 'paradigm shift'. fancy name.) I had changed. My perspective changed. My heart changed. My view of God changed. My relationships with Christians changed. I was afraid to admit it to anyone. I didn't have the language to express what I was feeling. This was all new territory. I've ALWAYS BELIEVED whatever the most godly person
in the room was saying.  I. Just. Didn't. Anymore. There was something not quite right. I've been doing some figuring out. (my gentle shepherd has been leading)

So. 2013. tHAnkyOU. tHAnKyOU for your wide open spaces. You gave me time to seek. To pray. To laugh. To be. You were patient. You were slow. Full of Life. Friends. Love. You gave me what I needed most.....HoPe. BiG HoPe. It starts in the LiSTeNINg. The listening leads to
love&GrAcE. Love&Grace leads to every good thing.

love&grace to all.