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an unhurried life.

'Earth's crammed with heaven and every common bush afire with God.' Elizabeth Barrett Browning

I have the sweet lavish luxury of time. Moved to our baby bungalow at the beach for a couple months until home weather cools off. Jeff drives back & forth on the weekends....friends stop in for a night & a chat. My sister & I have a glass of wine||sweet words often. I have no agenda. No commitments. Not one thing I have to do any day each day. My plan is to have no plans. Just be. Sometimes lonely...there's a good kind of lonely. Sometimes overwhelmed with joy & wonder & gratitude. Mostly though, quiet, content, settled, at peace. Reading. Writing. Running. Yoga-ing. Listening. Noticing. Thinking. Being still. Keeping myself company. Transformed by the space. Happily unhurried.

Life is shaped from the inside out. It's a dance between making it happen & letting it happen.  Letting it happen feels like surrendering to what I believe is true. That earth is crammed with heaven. That God is madly in love with us. That life is rigged in our favor. That it's ok to walk away from systems & relationships that no longer work. That failure is part of the journey to success. That the greatest secrets are found in the most unlikely places. That suffering leads to clarity. That being still & unrushed & unbusy is when God speaks loudest. That being & living all of life in the now is pure magic. That learning to love each other without motive or agenda is SO MUCH FUN.

No need to rush & hurry & fill in every space on the calendar and in the margin. No need to be frantic or feel like I'm missing out on anything.  So much goodness is already right here in the quiet. Every common bush afire with God.  It's a sweet beautiful hum that sings to the soul. I think I'll stay in this stunning place a little while longer. Letting it do it's work. The unforced rhythms of the season.  Oh sweet summertime, you're completely enchanting. You're heaven on earth. You make me smile. You make me glad. You fill me
up. ❤️

afraid of nothing.

'There is no fear in love.' 1John 4:18

I'm living and breathing and waiting. Hoping. Praying. Counting on.....the day when I'm afraid of nothing. When we're ALL afraid of not one thing. Because I know then, love has won. Love wins. It's the one thing that wins every game. Wins every relationship. Wins every war. Wins every misunderstanding. Wins every heartbreak. Wins every lie. Wins every fear. Wins every political disagreement. Wins every religious divide. Wins every family break-up. I long for love to take up every ounce of me. Perfect love casts out all fear. His love is a fire in my soul that keeps burning and growing. Consuming & profoundly transforming me.

The love of God in Christ is abundant. I live in abundance. There is so much of everything good and right in this world. That's what I'm involved in. So much to preach FOR. Why waste a precious minute on anything else. Everyone is in. If you're gay, you're in. If you're transgender, you're in. If you're divorced, you're in. If you're an addict, you're in. If you're poor, red-head, pimply-faced, lonely, overweight, white, brown, black, orphaned, lonely, afraid, bulimic.... You're in. You're more loved and treasured and valued than you can even dream. By me. By humanity. By God.

You're enough. Just the exact way you are. Don't you dare believe anything different. You are a light. A child of God. The Maker of the universe. On behalf of Christians everywhere, I apologize if we have made you feel anything less.❤️

my love story.

'My lover is mine and I am his.' Song of Songs 2:16

Marrying Jeff Showers is by far the best decision I've ever made.  Almost 31 years into this and he keeps surprising me with his goodness. His loyalty keeps winning my heart. Over & over.

 I had lunch with a friend a couple of weeks ago and she asked me if our marriage was as magical as it seems. I said yes. Absolutely.  For me, yes. I can't answer for Jeff, but he seems so happy. I feel completely adored by him. I don't know everything that is going on in his heart & mind obviously, he might have some wicked secret that I don't know about....BUT I would be SHOCKED. That night at dinner on the patio....with our little salads & wine, I told him about the lunchtime conversation. Immediately he says, "You know how you only see the very top of an iceberg but what you don't see is a million times more massive?  That's how in love with you I am. More than you'll ever know." I mean. That was a great response. The best part is I believe him.

It's not that we have it all figured out or that our life together is perfect. We have normal amounts of tensions & miscommunications & difference of opinions. We get on each other's nerves from time to time. What makes our story magical is we've grown together. I keep talking to him.  He keeps talking to me. We both listen. He knows the little things that make me happy. He pays more attention to me than to anything or anybody else. Yet I never feel smothered. He works so hard. He goes to his office every morning at 6:15.  He is the one who makes all the money. He pays all of our bills. I make ZERO money. Zero. Zilch. Yet, I am free to do as I please. He doesn't make me feel guilty or controlled by any of it. He trusts me. I trust him. It's such a big deal. So rare. We've worked our way to this place. It's a dreamy dream.

Marriage is a crap shoot. I stand by that. However. When a man loves a woman the way that mine loves me, the odds are in your favor. I have more respect and admiration for Jeff than any other human being on the planet. He is true. He is safe. He is a blast. He could write a book on how to keep
your wife falling madly in love with you every single day. It would be a best seller. A true story. Lucky me.❤️

the poison of gossip.

"Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones." Proverbs 16:24

Here's what I know. Gossip is poison. Most relationship drama that we suffer is because of four stupid habits. We make assumptions. We take things personally. We gossip to gain support. We make excuses to justify behavior. It's a toxic pattern. I'm guilty. Your guilty. We cause our own pain & suffering.  It's so completely ridiculous and juvenile and absurd, yet we do it all the time. We are loving, kind, wise, beautiful women who hurt each other and mostly ourselves with this craziness. We don't mean to. We don't want to. We're always sorry. It's never our intention to harm anyone. And yet, it goes on & on & on.......



The little heart wound that I've been tending to the past few weeks turns out to have been caused by me. There is no one to blame. No one did me wrong. I hurt myself. I followed the long winding rabbit trail back a couple of years to where it started. I had made an assumption. I took it personally. I talked about it to the wrong people. I justified my behavior. I caused the mess. I broke my own heart. I'm sorry. I'm relieved. This clarity & responsibility brings me peace.

What I keep learning is my word creates the events in my life. It's my most powerful tool. I can lie to myself and spread poison with gossipy opinions. Or I can be impeccable with my word and bring life. It's my choice. The energy I give out is the energy that comes back. The journey is real. Practice new habits. Don't take one thing personally. Ask the right person honest questions. Talk it through.
Stop talking about it. Move on. It's a brave & happy way to live. Drama free life. Sweet to the soul. Healing to the bones.

         

truth telling.

"Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree, and instead of the briers the myrtle will grow." Isaiah 55:13

I'm at the bungalow for a couple of days by myself.  It's quiet. It's honest. It's clear. I'm intently looking at a wounded spot in my heart that needs some healing. I'm working hard to get to the bottom of it. It's the only way forward. It's a small part of my story.  Here goes.

I've been a classic co-dependent in most of my relationships my entire life. There's a definite pattern. I care so much about everyone and lean in way hard. Sometimes it goes well and we work through bumps in the road. This brings healing and a way forward. Carry on.

However, sometimes sadly, it crashes and burns to the ground. Destroyed. This completely devastates me. I'm undone. I feel wounded. Taken advantage of. Betrayed. It all becomes a messy mess that no one is brave enough to talk about. It's a cycle. Ugh. That's my general relationship experience in a nut shell. My entire life. All or nothing. I know. How embarrassing.

So here's the thing. I'm absolutely determined to end this little gig. I've made so much progress. But I've got a ways to go. Bear with me. I'm doing lots of practicing and searching & unraveling. Telling the truth to myself. It's kinda painful. Yet,  I've made up my mind. I'm committed. No more co-dependency for me. I'm doing my best. Eyes wide open. Brave to speak the needed words. I have a plan. I think it's solid.

It's 100% on me. My voice. My actions. My word. My responsibility. My thoughts. My intentions. A healthy life-giving relationship with any human is completely&absolutely up to me. With Jeff. With kids. With family. With friends. If I'm healthy, my relationships will be healthy. It's not you. It's me. Done.

This is why I do soul work. This is why I write. I need transformation. It's me that needs the change. I'll keep you posted.

be the light.

"You are the light of the world." Matthew 5:14

Be the light.  Life is a whimsical gift. The secret to living a life that you love is letting it be exactly what it is. Not what you think it should be. Look around you. Pay close attention to the simple pleasures. The sweet little gifts. Notice the ones who offer you love & kindness. Those who listen& care without motive. Take responsibility for your own happiness. Not one single person, situation or circumstance will make you happy. It's completely up to you. Do your soul work. Every single day do one good thing for your soul. Take care of your mind. Speak gentle words to your heart. Let go of bitterness and anger. Forgive and move on. Don't slander. Don't gossip. Don't compare. Let your words be truth & light. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions.  Never lose sight that just living is fun. Read a delightful book. Go for a long walk with a sweet friend. Fill your mind with positive thoughts. Surround yourself with wonderful people. It's never too late to be who you've always wanted to be. Be generous. Be present. Be nice. Be funny. Be good. Be brave. Be honest. Don't blame. Don't settle. Don't criticize. Don't rush. Stay still. Stay quiet. Stay humble. Stay focused. Stay in your own lane and swim your own race. There is only one you.

This is the beginning of anything you want. God is for-ever chances. God is for-ever tries. Never forget that. Don't get stuck. Don't lose your wonder. Choose now. Choose grace. Choose joy.  Make a fairytale and go live it. It starts with you. There's no life that's better than yours. You are the light of the world. Be the light.

the gift of being known.

"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me." Psalm 139:1

I like social media. I post pictures on Facebook and Instagram. I adore Pinterest. I write my thoughts on this blog.  I don't do it to brag or make myself appear to be something I'm not. I do it because I want to be seen. I long to be known. I do it because I belong to a little community of inspirational souls who have the same desire. Sometimes we get it wrong and post bullshit.  It's ok. We each have a little of that in us.  However, for the most part....I follow stunning, creative, honest & funny people who I want to know better. I look forward to your posts. I'm curious about you. What you're doing. Who you're doing it with. How you live. ESPeCIAlLY if you're mostly honest. It helps me feel less alone. More connected. You inspire me to live a better life. One that is a bit more vulnerable & authentic. You're good for me. You've helped me to grow.

It's all a part of my real life. My truest story. I'm not afraid to be seen. I'm living with my soul open.  I'm available. I actually long for you to know who I am. Show up at my door and I'll swing it wide open. Ask me anything and I'll tell.  I haven't always been this way. I've been doing the brave soul work of looking at my crap & nonsense. My shame & fear. All the things that get in the way of a wondrously free & happy life. I'm slowly but surely changing the tapes in my head.  Moving forward with a fresh set of rules.  A new language that matches what my heart is saying. Understood by some and mis-understood by others. It's risky. It's good. It matters. It all belongs. Because I believe that truth & love & connection is what life is all about. It's why we're here. It gives purpose and meaning to our crazy days. We belong to each other. We're here to walk one another home. It's a lovely, painful, sacred journey. I'm happy to be one of the marchers linked arm&arm.

Get to know who you are. Let others know who you are. Let go of who you think you ought to be. Be you. Let me assure you it's terrifying, and yet absolutely endearing and attractive. To be honest... we can smell phony and scared and fake a mile away. It just doesn't work. It's a waste of precious time. I'm honored when you tell hard stories. Say the scary words. The greatest act of courage is to be and own all that you are. Without apology. Without excuses & without any masks to cover the truth of who you truly are. We'll be besties for life. I promise. Plus. It's super FUN.

still growing up.

"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zephania 3:17

I turned 54 years old this month. Jeff calls march 'the month of kym'. As he should. It was fabulous. In every little way. I adore birthdays.  I like growing older. I super like growing up.  I have collected the most beautiful tribe of people you can imagine. TRULY. I've been celebrating with each one of them every single day since march began. Small sparkly soirees and filled-to-the-brim whimsical parties.  Face to face one on one sweet dates. All a collection of kind words and life-giving encouragements. Dancing and laughter & songs & gifts wrapped up in bows. Yummy food & delicious drinks.  All my favorite things.

I'm fifty-four freakin years old.  It's unbelievable.  I remember when my dad turned fifty and we threw him a surprise party and I thought he was OLD. It was just yesterday. And now.  This.  It doesn't feel like 54. It feels like time stood still and I'm just enjoying & relishing life. Not like I'm OLDER. I feel young and alive and hopeful about the future and people and God and  EVeRYTHING. I'm understanding what true love and deep abiding happiness is. What a life of WONDER looks like. It's opening my eyes& heart & soul every morning knowing I have SO much to learn. That all these magnificent people in my tribe are the ones teaching me.  The glorious books I'm reading keep busting me wide open. The beautiful spirit of truth awakening me to a different rhythm. A new understanding. A way that is bigger and brighter. Less fearful & more inclusive. I'm still growing up. It's surprising at my age that I haven't figured it all out by now. But how much FUN life has become because of it. This journey is brave and glorious. It's mysterious & complex. It's groovy & magical.

I'm saved. I'm delighted in. I'm rejoiced over. This is the house I live in. I'm growing up in this house.

paying attention.

"Because your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips will praise you." Psalm 63:3

I'm paying attention to the lovingkindness of God.  This day today filled with freedom. Blank space on my calendar.  Holding room to notice&protect the quiet hours.  The ones reminding me that He is here. He is with me.  The grace of one day. When my mind is quiet and still.  I feel my own breath.  Inhaling peace.  Exhaling gratitude. His spirit keeping me company.  He invites me into this secret place. It's sacred&holy. Effortless.  Whisperings of  I'm with you& I'm for you.  A private happiness.  It's what lovingkindness feels like to me.

 Also. Patio parties. The hours spent with people and food & music. Candles&tulips. Champagne & dancing and cigars.  I notice him here too.  In the sweet magic of these days&nights.  The way we're connected by laughter because every little thing is funny. Connected by beauty because every single soul is stunning. The air alive with belonging & energy &whimsy. Locking arms& holding hands.  Twirling&singing under stars & twinkle lights. Choreographed by a God who thought it all up.  Every good& sparkly moment.  A crowded happiness. This too feels like lovingkindness to me.

And then. When a neighbor drops by unannounced and sits on my sofa and tells me her secrets.  When I've hurt a precious friend and I meet her in a parking lot to apologize for my screw-up & she shows me more grace than I deserve. When my husband walks through the door at lunch with a bottle of fancy champagne because he feels badly about not recording the Oscars. When my kids call. When I text my people to come for tacos and they all show up to gather at the table. Anytime I receive an invitation. Or someone is brave enough to start a conversation that matters. Or sends a word of encouragement. Reads this blog. Smiles at me when I'm on a run. When I feel small but still valued. It's all lovingkindness. It's better than life& I'm paying attention.

this gorgeous life.

"Finally, sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things." Philippians 4:8

Healthy people are drawn to healthy people. This is what I've been noticing. And by healthy, I mean anyone who takes full responsibility for her life.  To grow, change, evolve. She listens and observes and keeps her heart&mind open to possibility. She doesn't whine, complain, criticize or make excuses. She's brave & honest about her messy parts & insecurities and screw-ups. She talks to you and not about you.  She speaks of hope & resolve & doing the-next-right-thing.  She lives in a spirit of kindness, generosity & fun. She doesn't take herself too seriously. She doesn't have to be right. I trust her. She's contagious. Healthy friends beget healthy friends. I'm picky about who I spend time with.

And so i've been hanging out with her. She influences me. We don't spend one second talking about anybody else. We spend little time on things we're against. We spend our words on what we are FOR. What we're learning&reading&doing.   How we're feeling. What we're thinking. Where we're headed. The promise of today. The excitement of tomorrow. How far we've come. The wonder of the journey. Lesson by lesson. Step by step. Bird by bird. We're seekers& pioneers.

Most of my best//worst life lessons have come from relationships. I take responsibility for my role in each one. I was co-dependant or passive aggressive and I needed a lesson. I see and feel & realize so much purpose& love& growth. Also, the reality that relationships have seasons. My heart hurts when a friendship ends or changes and we have no explanation other than we grew apart. I'm always a bit sad and bewildered. I know that moving on sometimes means leaving behind. I'm not sure that its right or wrong//good or bad. It just is. Led in different directions. It's necessary. Part of our story as friends&humans.  Hopefully, love& sweet memories remain. For me, yes.  Always love &sweet memories.

We become like the people we spend our time with. For sure. We get to choose. My heart&mind//soul&being is set on whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable &praiseworthy. This is my intention when my eyes open in the morning. Every single day. I get to choose. I choose who I listen to. I choose what I think about. I choose the words I speak.

Ordinary to extraordinary. The Spirit beckons me to wholeness& healing& l o v e.  To being present &completely engaged in THIS GORGEOUS LIFE.

2014.

"Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure." Psalm16:5

Happy. Happy. Happy New Year. I'm

all about NEW.  I love fresh starts. I adore change and resolutions & let's try something DIFFERENT.  January is my crush.  I have all kinds of  plans and intentions for this BRIGHT& SPARKLY YEAR ahead.  How-ever.  Before I write about new things and moving forward....I need to sit still a moment & give my deepest heartfelt thanks to last year for being so damn AWESOME.  No seriously.
I just re-read my first post of 2014 . I remember how scared I was to write honest words that I knew would raise eyebrows among a couple of groups of people in my life. I wrote about leaving church. I wrote about my gay brother. I wrote true words that were hiding quietly underneath the practiced & perfected words that I had been speaking for so long. I was brave& honest and it changed me.

A year later. Here I am. This is the real me. Truly.  I'm not afraid to speak up and say what I need to say. I trust myself. I trust the voice in my head. It's much kinder & less bossy than it used to be. I don't need to be right. I don't need you to agree with me. I just need to speak. I appreciate ANYpreciousONE who listens & hears without judgement. Because we all need to speak & be heard. We just do.

                                                             

So. CHEERS to 2014. You were so very good to me. You provided all the days I needed to change and grow and face my fears. I completely enjoyed you, am thankful for you &I'll never forget.