married. (part 1)

'Because your steadfast love is better than life my lips will praise you.' Psalm 63:3

Riley was home for Christmas a few days. He met some friends at the Padre on Sunday evening and sent me a text inviting me to come down and have a drink with them. "WhaaaWhaat"!!! Seriously? You and your hip.young.cool.beautiful people WANT ME...to JOIN you!!! Umm..let me think about itYES! (quick change out of the p.j.s first...be right there.) I scrunched in a table with them and felt like the luckiest mom on the planet. They were in the middle of deep relationship discussions and wanted to pick my brain. Alright. Shoot. 'What's the secret to a happy marriage?'  Hmmmm..well.  I gave them all the wisdom I could muster. Everything I said sounded a little cliche....a bit formulated...the usual things they've been told for-ever. I heard it as I was talking....I wasn't believing my own words....so what came out at the end surprised even me...'you know what guys..to be honest...I think it's a crapshoot.' CRAPShOoT. Ha! We laughed and toasted to IT.  (hope they weren't looking for something a bit more spiritual;). You love who you love. You grab hands.  You jump. ALL IN.

Marriage is a mystery to me.  I wish I had a formula. You know like 'marry Christian' or 'marry money' or 'marry values' or 'marry best friend' or 'marry the one you can't live without' and THEN then then then....you will live happily-ish ever after. If only.  But.....honestly...after 30 years married....I'm calling marriage a cRaPshoot. Gamble. Risk. Uncertain venture. Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose. Harsh, I know. But true.  Pick your person and then work like hell to build a healthy-ish&happy-ish life together. Sometimes it lasts.  Sometimes it doesn't.  CrapSHOOT. It's just how it is.

I got lucky. All these years and I'm happily married. SO Happy. Of course there's a back story. I'm going to tell it. But for now.  The thing that I want to say & that matters most is JEFF LOVES ME WELL. I FEEL adored by him. He's learned the secret. I'm certain it hasn't been an easy feat.
But. He figured it out. He's really something special. He's taken my happiness seriously. He listens. He adjusts.  In return. I have a wild crush on him. After thirty whole years. Lots of life. I'm still crazy in love. We got lucky. Rolled the dice and won. Hallelujah.

mercy.

'I trust in thy mercy; my heart rejoices in thy salvation. I sing unto The Lord for He has dealt bountifully with me.' Psalm 13:5-6

You guys. Yesterday was a BOuNTIFUL DAY.  Early morning run along the (dry) river & secret keeping with a dearest friend. Mid morning writing session.  Lunch and sweet words with another dearest friend. The perfect finish ...a night with my precious&fun bible study girls. We cozied up at Shelley's around her table where she (loved us) fed us glorious delicious food on CHINA (not kidding;) followed by a 3 hour viewing of Les Miserable. Which happens to be about the COOLEST movie EVER invented/written/made. I'm not bragging about my day...but come on:))  my heart is STILL singing.

I'll never forget the first time I saw Les Miz. A theater at the beach with Kelly. We sat side by side and pretty much bawled through the entire thing. (you know what I'm saying.....the snotty sobbing kind of cry & we might have even held hands at the end...)   just wow. SUCH a bEaUtIfuL story of mercy & love & redemption. I keep watching it. Every single time I do, it CHANGES me. I will never get over the scene when Jean Valjean was shown MERCY by the benevolent Bishop. A tender mercy he had never known. He didn't deserve. It transformed him. Completely. Radically. For- eVER.
His soul was reborn. By charity. By kindness. By love. He became a steadfast vessel of all of it. He spent the rest of his days governed by COMPASSION. Extended it freely...even to his enemy. Over & over & over.

I want to BE like that. I adore this movie because it REMINDS me.  Reminds me of the mercy shown me every single sin-filled moment of my life. By a benevolent God. Who SEES me. kNOWS me. Is so very TENDER with me. Not because I DESERVE it. But because He LOVES. He is KIND. Generous. Bountiful. Merciful. I want to be all of ThAT. A life that sings of His scandalous MERCY.
His bEAUTIFuL salvation. His gLORIoUS grace. I say YES.  yES to all of it.

Love&mercy&grace to every soul. You are beloved. We all are.
 amen.

church.

'My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him.' Psalm 62:1

I've been slowly reading through a book called "Falling Upward" by Richard Rohr. He talks about the 2 halves of life. The first-half-of-life task of establishing who I am& what I believe...making commitments &raising family. Followed by the 'further journey' in the second-half-of-life. I've unexpectedly found myself here. On this second journey. I have NO IDEA what it's supposed to be or look like. This book is helping me make a little sense out of it. Giving me some language for it.  It's confusing & surprising & exciting. At the present moment I'm UNLEARNING more than I'm learning. Weird. Huh? I'm happily ALL in.

I mentioned a few posts back that I stopped going to church. I've been hearing some whisperings & 'concerns' coming from 'friends' who have 'missed' me on Sundays. Let me be CLEAR. I'm a lover of church. I'm NOT anti-church. I'm PRO-church. FOR community & serving& loving & encouraging. Church has saved me in so many ways. I've been a faithful Sunday church go-er my entire life. (The first-half-of-my-entire-life life.) I have always been a 'good Christian girl'. So. Of course.

Also. I'm fairly certain I will go back at some point.

I can't lie, though. It's kinda AWESOME NOT going to CHURCH. I have UNBIASED space in my head and heart and soul and gut. I'm free of the 'shoulds' & the 'should nots'. I've pretty much gotten rid of the bullies in my head who are constantly 'on' me about something. I have no one to impress with my holiness. No one else's standards to live up to. It's just me & God. These days a new kinda 'church' happens all the time.  Secret telling & sangrias with Clancy. Early morning runs on the mountain & at the river. Honest & deep conversations with friends. Music & fires & laughter with Riley. Wine & hand holding & kisses with Jeff. My entire everyday life has become sacred. This is church to me. REAL LIFE church. Loving & learning & listening & laughing. Connecting with God
& people. Isn't that what church is meant to be? I think so.

Seeker.

'Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.' Matthew 7:7

I meet with an AMAZING group of girls on Wednesday mornings. We are askers & seekers & knockers. We're tired of the lie of  'the good Christian girl'. It's stifling and suffocating and impossible. (frankly, it's bullshit.) We KNOW that the gospel of Christ means more. So much MORE. So. We meet. We pray. We read the bible. We talk to each other. Not the usual 'good Christian girl' talk. But the words that have been hidden deep down for so long. The words that get shut down by bossy believers who WILL NOT LISTEN. We are saying the scary stuff. The GOOD stuff. Our
precious SECRETS. We have BIG WONDERINGS. God's given us a SAFE place to wonder out loud. Together. I LOVE  iT SO dANG MUCH.

Also. I love Jesus SO DANG MUCH.  I adore Him.  He is the LOVER of my SOUL. He is my peace. He is my gentle shepherd. He's led me to a beautiful place. He's given me such rest.  He is lovely to me. He doesn't judge &criticize. He doesn't get nervous and change the subject. He doesn't even raise an eyebrow. Clearly He can handle all of my questions and doubts and fears.  He keeps teaching me and moving me and changing me by His LOVE. He gives me eyes to see, ears to hear and a heart that understands. He makes me Gutsy& Brave. If there's fixing to do in me...he does it. My heart is WIDE open and ready to be fixed.  By Him. People aren't in the fixing business. God is.

 So of course.  I ask & seek & knock.  And then I wait. I listen. &He whispers love & grace.
Love&grace fixes me. Lucky girl.

Faith.

'Your love O Lord reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies.' Psalm 36:5

My favorite thing is to hear a good story. Something True. Real. Raw. Redeeming. When I tell you my story. It's just that. Mine. It's my life told through my perspective. Influenced by my personality and circumstances. Whether it's all exactly the TRUTh depends on who you ask. It's TrUE to me. You know. Like my siblings for example. We were raised in the same house. Same parents. Same circumstances. Mostly the same experiences. Yet. We each tell a completely different childhood story.  Each one is TRUE. Real. Raw. Redeeming. Just different. Same family. Different story. Fascinating. Right?

I think faith in God is the same kinda thing. I believe in God. You believe in God. Yet. Our lives & stories & language sound different. Same God.  Different perspective of Him. Same God. Different journey with Him. Same God. Different experience. So. When I tell the story of God. I'm telling my story of God. It's not right or wrong it's simply what I believe according to who I am & how I think & my life experience. I don't have to believe everything you do or use the same words or live my life like you. We are STILL talking about the same God. Believing the same God. Loving the same God. Same family. Different story.   I think maybe He planned it this way. Pretty creative. Right?

The thing is. Not one of us knows all there is to know about Him. We think we know. We'd like to know. But. We just dON'T. He's mostly a bEAUTIFuL & LoVeLy mystery. He's BIG. Much bigger than our little 'corner of the truth'.  We tell our truth. But. It's not the WHOLE truth. We tell our story. But. It's not the ENTIRE story. It's just a part of it. Of course. Because. Well. He's GOD. We aren't. I think the eNTIRE sTORY is more than we will ever know. I think He is gREATER than we can imagine. It's silly to be SO CERTAIN about so many things that are straight up UNCertAIn.

What I believe this morning is this. God's LOVE reaches to the heavens. His FAITHFULNESS to the skies.   That's all I need to know for today.
love&grace to you.

Love.

'Give thanks to The Lord for He is good; His love endures for-ever. Let the redeemed of The Lord tell their story.' Psalm 107

I was 13 years old when I went with my jr. high friend stephanie halverson to her family's Pentecostal church on Niles street in east bakersfield & 'invited Jesus into my heart'. I'll never forget. REAL experience. I felt different. It was a BiG DeaL to me. Then &Now.  That was exactly 40 years ago.  Four decades of loving&following Jesus. Studying&teaching his word.  Chasing God and his Will.
This relationship with Him has defined my life. I'm telling you this in case you need my christian credentials. I'm a believer. I have been redeemed and His love keeps redeeming me every single day. Truth.

My very FIRST best friend in life is my big brother Tommy. He was born exactly 11 months before me. We are genuine Irish twins. He is the smartest guy I know. Brilliant. He's also one of the kindest most generous and loving souls I've ever known. Since the day I was born I felt lucky to be his baby sister.  He lives in Germany. Has a bad-ass job and travels the world. I'm so very very very proud of him. He's a beautiful man. I adore him. He happens to also be gay. (NoT by CHOICE.)  He's gay. That's it.   So.

I can't tell his story. But. I can tell mine. When christian people get all judgy & hateful towards homosexuals I take it personally. It's more hurtful & painful then you can wrap your mind around. There is something SO fundamentally WRONG with it.
I used to be twitchy & nervous when the conversations would begin. Not sure how to respond because I KnOW what the bible says. I Get IT.  Fear kept me quiet. It's a passionate subject. We won't all agree. BUt. What I do know is this.  LOVE is mentioned 697 times in the new testament.
Homosexuality is mentioned 6 times in the entire bible. (Jesus never mentioned it once.)


Hmmmmm.....
We need not agree or understand or have it all figured out. But we must love. We need to love. Love opens doors. Love heals.  Love leads. Love wins. While I'm here on this earth. I want to learn to love better. We can all learn to love better. If we are not growing in love, we are not growing.  Period.  
    (That's it on this. For now:)

Love&Grace to ALL.

2013.

"The Lord is my shepherd. I lack NoThInG." Psalm 23

Hey. Happy New Year. New year. New-ish me & hopefully a blog that's a bit more courageous.  I'm feeling brave enough to write. Excited to write, actually. I stopped  mid year because I was afraid to type out what I was really wanting to say. I took some time to figure out WhY.  After a few months of wrestling & listening & wrestling & listening.....I'm back. I'm vulnerable. Rusty. I'm gonna use this safe space to think out loud. If you are a reader... tHAnkyOU. THAnkyOU for listening. Listening is the most loving & kind gift we can give to one another. Hearing. Trying to understand. Without judging. Or fixing. Or controlling. Or scripture slinging. Just plain old fashioned look-me-in-the-eye &listen listening. Patient. Quiet. Humble. Kind. That will be good.

2013 was aweSome. Hard&Happy. Each day. Hard&Happy. My first of the year resolution was to practice writing. From my guts&heart&mind&soul. Nothing made-up.  Came to realize super quick it's NOT EASY being HONEST. First of all...honesty is complicated. "I want to be brave enough to tell my own story yet kind enough not to tell anyone else's."  That's tricky. Terrifying. Uncomfortable. Awkward. It makes me sweaty&anxious. So. I knew it was what I needed to get good at. I like to do hard stuff. Also...I figure that if I learn to say honest hard vulnerable scary things...maybe you will to. Then. We can be friends. Real friends. The kind that Jesus was & is. I'd like that. To know & be known. Best gift.

I stopped going to church. A couple of years ago. I wasn't mad. Or hurt. Nothing bad happened. I just wasn't BeLiEvInG all the same stuff I used to BeLiEVe. (apparently. it's called a 'paradigm shift'. fancy name.) I had changed. My perspective changed. My heart changed. My view of God changed. My relationships with Christians changed. I was afraid to admit it to anyone. I didn't have the language to express what I was feeling. This was all new territory. I've ALWAYS BELIEVED whatever the most godly person
in the room was saying.  I. Just. Didn't. Anymore. There was something not quite right. I've been doing some figuring out. (my gentle shepherd has been leading)

So. 2013. tHAnkyOU. tHAnKyOU for your wide open spaces. You gave me time to seek. To pray. To laugh. To be. You were patient. You were slow. Full of Life. Friends. Love. You gave me what I needed most.....HoPe. BiG HoPe. It starts in the LiSTeNINg. The listening leads to
love&GrAcE. Love&Grace leads to every good thing.

love&grace to all.