perfect. (part 2)

"Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." Matthew 5:48

Every family carries a measure of dysfunction. I've never met one that is perfect. Sometimes the ones that appear the most perfect are, in fact, the most broken. Our McCarthy family was broken but  beautiful. I have a deep & loyal love for us. I'm grateful for the precious gift. Looking back helps in the moving forward and making sense. Much of the way I raised my kids and live my life is because of my experience with my mother. Growing up in a chaotic environment left me with a need for order & self-discipline. For control & peace. A happy family life. I may have thought there was such thing as a perfect mom. I poured myself passionately into the job.  I wanted to be the mom I wished mine had been.

Turns out. It wasn't as easy as it looked. I think for every one thing I got right... I got ten things wrong. Because "perfect" isn't a thing. We compare our insides to everyone else's outsides. It's a trick.
It's impossible to ever be enough. Luckily, I have wise kids. They never bought into the pressure. They pushed back. They've taught me and are teaching me about grace. About living a fearless life. Free of living up to expectations and conditions. Free of the need to prove themselves. Free to figure out who they are and where they're headed. Tattoos and all:)  perfect in their imperfections. They've been my best teachers in the school of mothering. Especially in the classroom of LeTTiNG GO.  My kids dazzle me. They're SO brave. So beautiful.

Jesus says to me 'be perfect ....be whole....include all your imperfections.  Be happy when you discover a new fault. When you screw up. Talk about it. Write about it. Be vulnerable. You won't have any grand illusions or reputation to live up to.  That's when all the greatness begins.' So. Yep. That's what I'm practicing. ❤️

perfect. (part 1)

"Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." Matthew 5:48

I've started this post a hundred times in my head but never here. I hesitate because I'm not sure I know how to say it without sounding like I'm blaming or dis-honoring my mom. I want to understand. to love. to have compassion when I think of her. & I do.....though I haven't seen or spoken to her in so many years. I wrestle with all of it. Not often. But sometimes.  It helps to process it. Talk about it. Reconcile it. It's necessary to write it.
This isn't her story. It's a part of mine.

My mom was pregnant at 16. Married at 17. Had 3 babies by the time she was 19. (I can't even....) I don't think she ever recovered. She raised us and loved us but life was just an overwhelming struggle for her. In those days, depression & anxiety were not spoken of. Or even named. They were a well kept shameful secret. And so we lived in survival mode. From the street side we looked good. But on the inside it was chaos.  Most of my memories of my mom are of her in bed until afternoon. Three littles getting themselves ready for school. Walking home together making their own lunch & getting themselves back.  Dad coming home from work making us all dinner. Every room in the house a mess. Her mood temperamental. Some days ok. Some days Angry. Sad. Upset. Throwing things. Slamming doors. Sometimes all night.  I never really knew why. We NEVER talked about it. I just kept my little self on high alert. I TrIED ReALLyHard to do everything I could to MaKE her smile. KEEP her calm.  KEEP her from fighting with my dad. KEEP her from yelling & crying &crawling back into bed. I thought if I TriEd hard enough. Was GOOD enough. HELPFUL enough. CHEERFUL enough.....things would get better. But they never did. Because she didn't. She didn't really want to. She was the one who needed to want to. I finally learned that we can't fix each other.

I'm sad for my mom. I'm sad for the life&love& relationships she's missed out on.  But...being her daughter has taught me so much. About perfection. About mothering. About enough. About control. About shame. About wholeness. About health. About forgiveness.  About compassion. About grace. About mercy. About love. About God.  And for those things.....I'm so very thankful.

moving.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights." James 1:17

I'm the bird. Jeff's the hand. We've learned to live a happy life together as the bird& the hand. I love change. Jeff likes familiar. I love new. Jeff likes old. I love to fly away. Jeff likes to settle in. I love moving. Jeff likes staying. So we stay...and then we move. We just moved. We've been married thirty years and this is our sixth move. (The bird isn't too crazy:).

Since I was little I've dreamed of living in Olde Stockdale. I've driven the neighborhood a zillion times noticing & admiring & breathing in the charm and history. Imagining the stories. The families born & raised. Many moving back to raise their own. Each house unique. Big. Small. Old. New. Fancy. Plain. Run-down. Fixed-up. Colonial. Spanish. Ranch. Traditional. Mid-century modern. Bungalows and mansions side by side. Gigantic trees and lush landscaping. This neighborhood so full of beauty & kind people whom we know and love. I thought it a brilliant idea to live here. My husband, because he loves me and because he's fabulous, agreed.

We found our new/old perfectly dreamy rambling cottage and sold our house to a dear friend. We were out in three weeks. Moved in with Mike&Kel for five weeks while escrow&paint&carpet and all such things were happening. So N O W.....we are moved IN. In. We live here. I can't stop smiling. It's fairytale-ish. Truly. Can't wait for the gatherings and celebrations & memories made and stories told here. We plan on adding to the L O V E & the H A P P Y of this precious old neighborhood. Come see us. You're all invited.

Mostly. I want to say T H A N K Y O U to Katy our friend&realtor. I called her Olivia Pope during the whole buying/selling process. She was absolutely our gladiator. Our fixer. Honest&Smart&Relentless. She made shit happen;)❤️

Also Mostly. T H A N K Y O U M&K for inviting us in when we were homeless. You're E A S Y &
F U N housemates. Such laughter & memories & wine!!!  We adore you. So glad you're ours.❤️

Finally & Most Mostly. Thank you J. The hand. The one who keeps me flying back to a safe place to land. You have made all my dreams come true. I couldn't possibly love you more.

married. (part 2)

"And what does The Lord require of you? To act justly. To love mercy. To walk humbly with your God." Micah 6:8

I begin with Micah 6:8 because it's my husband's favorite verse. And because it describes who he is to me. The kind of man he is. Why I'm still crazy about him. He knows the secret: Do justly. Love mercy. Walk humbly....&..also...Be fun. Be funny. Be spontaneous. Be loyal. Be wise. Say nice things. Do nice things. Listen when I talk. Dance with me when I want to dance. Dress cute. Make me laugh. Don't control me. Hold my hand. Kiss my neck. Buy me nice wine. Tell me you love me every single day. Take me to the beach. Take me to dinner & a movie on a Thursday.  Hike mountains with me. Share your secrets. Apologize. Play me your music. Be honest. Read your bible. Happily eat whatever I make. Let me sleep. Be a bad-ass at work...get lots of awards & NEVER whisper a word about it. Walk through the door every day @ 4:00 with a sweet smile on your face & twinkle in your eye that says I'm glad to be home. Seriously. I could go on & on.

 I've been thinking about why I'm so happily married. Trying to write it out & break it down. I've been noticing him. Paying attention to the way he lives. All the small ways about him. It's him. He's exactly who he appears to be. He's the real deal. I like that. I like him. A lot. I can't imagine WaNTiNg to live my life with anyone but him. There's not another man that could possibly love me better than he does. He's a genius at it.

He treats me like he's lucky to be married to me. He pursues me like I'm not yet his. He dates me. After 30 years he's still dating me. Wooing me. Winning me. Choosing me. Preferring me. He looks me in the eye and listens. He says 'thanks for telling me' when I'm mad or conflicted or frustrated. He wants to know.  He wants to understand. He treats me with respect & regard. He keeps growing & changing & evolving. He doesn't get stuck. He's willing to do whatever it takes.
I'm madly in love with him. HE LoVES me Like a bOSS. These are a few of the reasons why Jeff Showers is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

married. (part 1)

'Because your steadfast love is better than life my lips will praise you.' Psalm 63:3

Riley was home for Christmas a few days. He met some friends at the Padre on Sunday evening and sent me a text inviting me to come down and have a drink with them. "WhaaaWhaat"!!! Seriously? You and your hip.young.cool.beautiful people WANT ME...to JOIN you!!! Umm..let me think about itYES! (quick change out of the p.j.s first...be right there.) I scrunched in a table with them and felt like the luckiest mom on the planet. They were in the middle of deep relationship discussions and wanted to pick my brain. Alright. Shoot. 'What's the secret to a happy marriage?'  Hmmmm..well.  I gave them all the wisdom I could muster. Everything I said sounded a little cliche....a bit formulated...the usual things they've been told for-ever. I heard it as I was talking....I wasn't believing my own words....so what came out at the end surprised even me...'you know what guys..to be honest...I think it's a crapshoot.' CRAPShOoT. Ha! We laughed and toasted to IT.  (hope they weren't looking for something a bit more spiritual;). You love who you love. You grab hands.  You jump. ALL IN.

Marriage is a mystery to me.  I wish I had a formula. You know like 'marry Christian' or 'marry money' or 'marry values' or 'marry best friend' or 'marry the one you can't live without' and THEN then then then....you will live happily-ish ever after. If only.  But.....honestly...after 30 years married....I'm calling marriage a cRaPshoot. Gamble. Risk. Uncertain venture. Sometimes you win. Sometimes you lose. Harsh, I know. But true.  Pick your person and then work like hell to build a healthy-ish&happy-ish life together. Sometimes it lasts.  Sometimes it doesn't.  CrapSHOOT. It's just how it is.

I got lucky. All these years and I'm happily married. SO Happy. Of course there's a back story. I'm going to tell it. But for now.  The thing that I want to say & that matters most is JEFF LOVES ME WELL. I FEEL adored by him. He's learned the secret. I'm certain it hasn't been an easy feat.
But. He figured it out. He's really something special. He's taken my happiness seriously. He listens. He adjusts.  In return. I have a wild crush on him. After thirty whole years. Lots of life. I'm still crazy in love. We got lucky. Rolled the dice and won. Hallelujah.

mercy.

'I trust in thy mercy; my heart rejoices in thy salvation. I sing unto The Lord for He has dealt bountifully with me.' Psalm 13:5-6

You guys. Yesterday was a BOuNTIFUL DAY.  Early morning run along the (dry) river & secret keeping with a dearest friend. Mid morning writing session.  Lunch and sweet words with another dearest friend. The perfect finish ...a night with my precious&fun bible study girls. We cozied up at Shelley's around her table where she (loved us) fed us glorious delicious food on CHINA (not kidding;) followed by a 3 hour viewing of Les Miserable. Which happens to be about the COOLEST movie EVER invented/written/made. I'm not bragging about my day...but come on:))  my heart is STILL singing.

I'll never forget the first time I saw Les Miz. A theater at the beach with Kelly. We sat side by side and pretty much bawled through the entire thing. (you know what I'm saying.....the snotty sobbing kind of cry & we might have even held hands at the end...)   just wow. SUCH a bEaUtIfuL story of mercy & love & redemption. I keep watching it. Every single time I do, it CHANGES me. I will never get over the scene when Jean Valjean was shown MERCY by the benevolent Bishop. A tender mercy he had never known. He didn't deserve. It transformed him. Completely. Radically. For- eVER.
His soul was reborn. By charity. By kindness. By love. He became a steadfast vessel of all of it. He spent the rest of his days governed by COMPASSION. Extended it freely...even to his enemy. Over & over & over.

I want to BE like that. I adore this movie because it REMINDS me.  Reminds me of the mercy shown me every single sin-filled moment of my life. By a benevolent God. Who SEES me. kNOWS me. Is so very TENDER with me. Not because I DESERVE it. But because He LOVES. He is KIND. Generous. Bountiful. Merciful. I want to be all of ThAT. A life that sings of His scandalous MERCY.
His bEAUTIFuL salvation. His gLORIoUS grace. I say YES.  yES to all of it.

Love&mercy&grace to every soul. You are beloved. We all are.
 amen.

church.

'My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him.' Psalm 62:1

I've been slowly reading through a book called "Falling Upward" by Richard Rohr. He talks about the 2 halves of life. The first-half-of-life task of establishing who I am& what I believe...making commitments &raising family. Followed by the 'further journey' in the second-half-of-life. I've unexpectedly found myself here. On this second journey. I have NO IDEA what it's supposed to be or look like. This book is helping me make a little sense out of it. Giving me some language for it.  It's confusing & surprising & exciting. At the present moment I'm UNLEARNING more than I'm learning. Weird. Huh? I'm happily ALL in.

I mentioned a few posts back that I stopped going to church. I've been hearing some whisperings & 'concerns' coming from 'friends' who have 'missed' me on Sundays. Let me be CLEAR. I'm a lover of church. I'm NOT anti-church. I'm PRO-church. FOR community & serving& loving & encouraging. Church has saved me in so many ways. I've been a faithful Sunday church go-er my entire life. (The first-half-of-my-entire-life life.) I have always been a 'good Christian girl'. So. Of course.

Also. I'm fairly certain I will go back at some point.

I can't lie, though. It's kinda AWESOME NOT going to CHURCH. I have UNBIASED space in my head and heart and soul and gut. I'm free of the 'shoulds' & the 'should nots'. I've pretty much gotten rid of the bullies in my head who are constantly 'on' me about something. I have no one to impress with my holiness. No one else's standards to live up to. It's just me & God. These days a new kinda 'church' happens all the time.  Secret telling & sangrias with Clancy. Early morning runs on the mountain & at the river. Honest & deep conversations with friends. Music & fires & laughter with Riley. Wine & hand holding & kisses with Jeff. My entire everyday life has become sacred. This is church to me. REAL LIFE church. Loving & learning & listening & laughing. Connecting with God
& people. Isn't that what church is meant to be? I think so.