perfect. (part 1)

"Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." Matthew 5:48

I've started this post a hundred times in my head but never here. I hesitate because I'm not sure I know how to say it without sounding like I'm blaming or dis-honoring my mom. I want to understand. to love. to have compassion when I think of her. & I do.....though I haven't seen or spoken to her in so many years. I wrestle with all of it. Not often. But sometimes.  It helps to process it. Talk about it. Reconcile it. It's necessary to write it.
This isn't her story. It's a part of mine.

My mom was pregnant at 16. Married at 17. Had 3 babies by the time she was 19. (I can't even....) I don't think she ever recovered. She raised us and loved us but life was just an overwhelming struggle for her. In those days, depression & anxiety were not spoken of. Or even named. They were a well kept shameful secret. And so we lived in survival mode. From the street side we looked good. But on the inside it was chaos.  Most of my memories of my mom are of her in bed until afternoon. Three littles getting themselves ready for school. Walking home together making their own lunch & getting themselves back.  Dad coming home from work making us all dinner. Every room in the house a mess. Her mood temperamental. Some days ok. Some days Angry. Sad. Upset. Throwing things. Slamming doors. Sometimes all night.  I never really knew why. We NEVER talked about it. I just kept my little self on high alert. I TrIED ReALLyHard to do everything I could to MaKE her smile. KEEP her calm.  KEEP her from fighting with my dad. KEEP her from yelling & crying &crawling back into bed. I thought if I TriEd hard enough. Was GOOD enough. HELPFUL enough. CHEERFUL enough.....things would get better. But they never did. Because she didn't. She didn't really want to. She was the one who needed to want to. I finally learned that we can't fix each other.

I'm sad for my mom. I'm sad for the life&love& relationships she's missed out on.  But...being her daughter has taught me so much. About perfection. About mothering. About enough. About control. About shame. About wholeness. About health. About forgiveness.  About compassion. About grace. About mercy. About love. About God.  And for those things.....I'm so very thankful.