2013.

"The Lord is my shepherd. I lack NoThInG." Psalm 23

Hey. Happy New Year. New year. New-ish me & hopefully a blog that's a bit more courageous.  I'm feeling brave enough to write. Excited to write, actually. I stopped  mid year because I was afraid to type out what I was really wanting to say. I took some time to figure out WhY.  After a few months of wrestling & listening & wrestling & listening.....I'm back. I'm vulnerable. Rusty. I'm gonna use this safe space to think out loud. If you are a reader... tHAnkyOU. THAnkyOU for listening. Listening is the most loving & kind gift we can give to one another. Hearing. Trying to understand. Without judging. Or fixing. Or controlling. Or scripture slinging. Just plain old fashioned look-me-in-the-eye &listen listening. Patient. Quiet. Humble. Kind. That will be good.

2013 was aweSome. Hard&Happy. Each day. Hard&Happy. My first of the year resolution was to practice writing. From my guts&heart&mind&soul. Nothing made-up.  Came to realize super quick it's NOT EASY being HONEST. First of all...honesty is complicated. "I want to be brave enough to tell my own story yet kind enough not to tell anyone else's."  That's tricky. Terrifying. Uncomfortable. Awkward. It makes me sweaty&anxious. So. I knew it was what I needed to get good at. I like to do hard stuff. Also...I figure that if I learn to say honest hard vulnerable scary things...maybe you will to. Then. We can be friends. Real friends. The kind that Jesus was & is. I'd like that. To know & be known. Best gift.

I stopped going to church. A couple of years ago. I wasn't mad. Or hurt. Nothing bad happened. I just wasn't BeLiEvInG all the same stuff I used to BeLiEVe. (apparently. it's called a 'paradigm shift'. fancy name.) I had changed. My perspective changed. My heart changed. My view of God changed. My relationships with Christians changed. I was afraid to admit it to anyone. I didn't have the language to express what I was feeling. This was all new territory. I've ALWAYS BELIEVED whatever the most godly person
in the room was saying.  I. Just. Didn't. Anymore. There was something not quite right. I've been doing some figuring out. (my gentle shepherd has been leading)

So. 2013. tHAnkyOU. tHAnKyOU for your wide open spaces. You gave me time to seek. To pray. To laugh. To be. You were patient. You were slow. Full of Life. Friends. Love. You gave me what I needed most.....HoPe. BiG HoPe. It starts in the LiSTeNINg. The listening leads to
love&GrAcE. Love&Grace leads to every good thing.

love&grace to all.

Healthy.

"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is is pure, whatever is lovely,whatever is admirable, - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things." Philippians 4:8
Being HeALtHy has forever been important to me. Really as far back as I can remember. I've been an athletic-exercise  girl. And now in my fifties it's ImPErATIvE to my mental&emotional&spiritual&physical health to exercise every day. So I do. It's just habit. I really don't give it much thought. The pay-off is HuGE. I don't compare my habit to anyone else's. I just do what works best for me. I'm SUPeR INSpiReD, though, by my PeEpS who stay healthy. I have other habits that I build into my daily life to keep healthy. They ALL SEeM TO BE CONNeCTED.
   Example #1.  I gave up SuGAR for the month of MAY. (Inspired by a friend who doesn't EAT SUGAR EVER.  EVER sounded toooo long for me.....:) it wasn't super fun but really not super hard either. It was just HABIT.  No SUGAR MAY was really HEALTHY. Again. For many different reasons. The pay-off was HUGe. I'll do it again.
  Example #2.  I read "Daring Greatly" by BreNe Brown. Let me just say...I have a CRUSH on this book. Thank you, BreNe. You're my new BFF. You've helped me recognize UNHeALTHy thoughts that have governed little bits of me. I'm replacing some old thinking habits with newer-healthier-braver ones. It feels risky & vulnerable & courageous all at the same time. (more on this later.) Reading "Daring Greatly" was super HeALtHy. The pay-off has been huge.
  Example #3.  I LOVE scripture. Memorize it. Think on it. Apply it. Humbled by it. Rejoice in it. Soak in it. Marvel at it. Surprised by it. Changed by it. Captured by it. THANKFUL for it. Scripture is a HEALTHY HABIT.  Keeps me honest. Keeps my perspective. The pay-off is HUGE. God is MAGNIFiCENT.

What I'm learning about getting healthy.. living healthy... staying healthy... is... it's a PROCESS. It's
not ALL or NOtHiNG. There will for-ever be ROOm in me for change. For growth. For a fresh start.
 A NEW BegInniNg. A realized bad habit that needs to GO. A chance to ADD something GOOd. (People. Are you listening? this is such FABULoUS NEWS!)  Never too late to get HEALthY.

Bliss.

"Where you go I'll go. Where you stay I'll stay."  Ruth 1:16

June was a  LOVE-FEST.  Jeff&i were invited to 6 weddings last month. SIX.  Each one important. All couples SuPER SPECiaL. Perfectly matched. I couldn't HELP but be caught up in the PiNtEreSt-InSPiReD SPaRkLy-TwiNKLy MAGiC of it all. The SHoWERs&FLoWeRs. Veils&Venues&Vows. Rings&GOwNs. Cakes&Save-the-Dates. Food.Drinks.Music.Dances.Toasts.Invites.Bridesmaids.Groomsmen.Flowergirl.Ringbearer.Registry............it takes a A LOT to throw a WEDDiNg. It takes a VILLaGE. It takes TiMe. It takes organization&planning&creativity. It takes a WHOLe BUnCH oF MOnEY. BoAtLoAd.
(This is the part that makes my husband HaPPy we only have one GiRL:)

The WeDdINGs were a ToTAL BLasT. Our DaNCiNg shoes were BuSy...Jeff can BUsT-a-move:)  We felt so honored to be included. Here's what JuNE reminded me of: All that ENERGY that goes into the WEdDiNG can just be tRaNsFeRrEd into the MARRiAGE. LIKe For-EveR. NeveR let up. The wedding is great. A GIFT.  BUT NOTHiNG compared to the MARRiAGE. A hEALtHy MARriaGe is God's BEST GIFT. But it doesn't just HAPPeN. Like the wedding. It takes InTenTion. cReaTIvity. EnErgy. planning. lovE. a team to help&encourage&support. communication. work. FUn. dancing. laughter. focus. grace. bending&vulnerability&prayer. Lots of PRaYer. &DaTinG. Never stop DaTiNg each OThEr. Romancing....it's MAGICAL. Even after almost 30 years. Bliss.❤

Simple.

The Lord doesn't see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but The Lord looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7b

Life has become super simple for me. Simple. Simple. Simple. It's been a journey gettin here. I'm still clumsy & clueless & can complicate things....but over all....I'm delighted (&thankful) with this simple little life of mine. Mostly because I have TiME & SPACE & AVAILaBiLiTY for people. To LISTEN. LoVE. ENJoY.  To be PRESENT. My DrEAM is to Get to KnOW lots of NEW people. To just be SUPER comfortable hanging out with people who are DIFFeRENT than me. Look different. Live different. Think different. I WaNT TO HEAR YOU. Really LIsTEN to YOU. Christian. Jewish. Mormon. Catholic. Black. White. Gay. Straight. Young. Old. Republican. Democrat. Tattooed. Pierced. Rich. Poor. Educated. Uneducated. Fancy. Plain. Happy. Sad....(well...unless you're MeAN&CrANKy. then...maybe not)......I want to hear your STORY. Hear your HEART. Have HOnEST conversations without JuDGeMENT. Without agenda. See you the way GOD does. Be your friend.

Here's what I'm practicing:  NOT making QUICK SwEEPING JUDGe-Y comments in my HeAD or OuTLoUd about ANYONE. Ever. It's hURTFUL. It's NOT HELPFUL. At ALL.  I want to be HELPfUL. a SAfE PLaCE. a place you can find healing. You know. Like AUgUSt BOaTWRIGhT in The SEcReT LifE of Bees.  Yep. I'd love to be MORE like HER. She was a keeper of bees & a keeper of hearts. Listen. "Bee Yard Etiquette:  She reminded me that the world was really one Bee yard & the same rules apply to both. Don't be afraid as no life-giving BEe wants to sting you. Don't even think about swatting. If you feel angry, WHISTLE. Anger agitates while whistling melts a bees temper. Above all, send the BEEs LOVE. Every little thing wants to be LOvED."  See. Brilliant. Simple. Huh? Just send the bees love.  & I'm practicing my whistling, too.

Invitation.

"Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost."  Isaiah 55:1

Can i just say HOW MUCH I LOVE GOD'S WORD. Let's talk about THiS.  Just think about ThIS.
Isaiah 55:1. An open invitation. He says COME ALL. Every ONE.  If you're thirsty (&honestly, who isn't thirsty?) JUsT CoME to the WATERS. Find HOPE. heALInG. rEfREshMeNt. We don't have to  bring money.  We can't afford it anyway.  Just be YOu & come. I like this. A lot.  also...He offers wine for free. which is awesome;)
It's Sunday. I'm filled up & happy. Scripture does that for me. When I'm thirsty. His Word quenches. Saturates my SouL. Truth does it. Love does it. Grace does it. His invitation makes me smile. Plenty of room at the WeLL for every ONE. It must be GINORMOUS. Come with me to the living waters. Never thirst again. I'm not kidding. Oh. & bring a friend. Let's hold hands and walk together. It'll be fun.

Listen.

"May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer."  Psalm 19:14

Oh Hey. hi. Its been QUIET here.  My bossy (when I say BOSSy, I mean BeAutIfUL & EnCouRagiNg...) FriEnDs KEEp REMINDING that I haven't written a word since April 10th. NOT. ONE. WORD.  'APRIL 10Th!' (they keep saying...) 'I KNoW!' (i keep saying...) I WANT to write but I just don't have anything to SAY.  i got nothin.   I need to have something to SaY if I'm going to WrITe.  I figured i was SuPPoSeD to be LIStEnING instead.  So. I was like 'fine',  I'll hush-up and LISteN for a little while. A little while turned into a LONG while. 80 days to be exact.  Did you hear me.  I've been QUIET for 80 DAYS-IN-ROW. That's some kind of record. No lie.  Turns out...NOT TALKInG is actually a good thing.  Silence is nothing like you'd expect.  Its not empty. It's FULL & RICH. Jesus sits with me. I'm aware of the meditations of my heart. I recognize the things in me that can use some changing. Apparently there are layers. We are working on these things together. Thought patterns. Habits. Voices in my head that bully me. It's all extremely HuMbLinG. Yet. hopeful&happy&freeing. All at the same time. I'm getting braver.

In light of the Christian/Gay debate. (I HATE debates.)  I USED to KNOW SO MUCH.  I could rattle off biblical answers to most of life's questions without missing a beat. NoW. I know a couple things for sure. That's about it. The rest. I JUST. DONT KNoW.  I have a few hunches. That's all. I'm good with it.  I know what I want to BE. I want to BE more like Jesus. He's humble. kind. forgiving. gracious. trustworthy. loving. wise. patient......every attractive quality. He hung out with the SINnERS. He's in LOVE with EvERY PERSON. Every SINnER.  And when you pay close attention....the only ones He wasn't particularly happy with we're the BIBLE BULLIES. The EXTRA RIGHTEOUS RELIGIouS ONES.  I'm working on NOT being one of those & I apologize from the bottom of my heart for the times I have been. I'm sure I have been. I'm so sorry.  I'm grateful to the tips of my toes for FORGIVENESS & GRACE.

I'll stop here. That's my THOUGHt for today. It's good to be back.

Confessions.

"Why spend money on what is not bread and your labor on what does not satisfy?  Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare."  Isaiah 55:2

So. I'm just gonna say it. Don't judge. I (accidentally) read 'Fifty Shades of Grey'. Exactly two weeks ago. I read THE book. THE book I PrOcLaiMeD I WAs NOT going to read. I had absolutely NO desire to read. I had NO intention to read. BUT. In a moment of WEAKNESS & INDULGENCE & plain old CURIOSITY.....it HAPPeNED. All of a sudden..it was REAd. I take FuLL responsibility.   AND....I'm TELLING you this for a FEw ImPOrTAnT reasons.
FIRST:  I feel BAD about it. I feel bad because I SAID I wouldn't. I told DEAR friends I wouldn't. I took a stand on Facebook, even. Good grief. So. There's that.
SECOND:  I'm SWORN to AUThENTIcITy. I'm pRaCticiNg LivInG an open & honest LIFE.  Period. I'm learning how to do this a little BeTTeR each day. It feels good. It honors God. It honors you. It's heaLinG for my soul. Being VuLnEraBLe is the OnLy way I can GrOw. I'm REALLY trying HARD in this area. It's BRAVE. And NEW.  (Please bear with me:)
THIRD:  I'm usually really really CAREFuL about the things I read and the things I watch. I'm a bit frightened of anything over PG13. I'm intentional about putting GOOD stuff in. So. This was DIFFEReNT. To say the least.

Here's the ThiNG. Here's what I've learned in the past two weeks regarding me & this book & Jesus. I'm gonna DO stuff that isn't GOOD for me. Why? Because I'm a DEPRAVED SINFUL CReATUrE. That's why. I'm not above it. I wish I were. AND. wHEN I DO. I REFUSE to HIDE. I won't. I know that SHAME THRIVES in SECRECY. No more secrets. No more SHAME. EVER. In CHRiST there is no shame. No pretending it didn't hAppEn. Just. No. PREtENDING. So. When I choose to do stuff that isn't BEST. I'll regret it. Confess it. Learn from it. Move on. Choose BeTteR for today. He
GIVES FREELy the food that satisfies and brings DELIgHT to my SOUL. THAT is what I'm after.
I'm choosing ThAT. For today.