sister.

'Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you become blameless and pure children of God...in which you shine like stars in the universe.' Philippians 2:14-15

Jeff and I listened to a sermon on our way home from the beach on gratitude. It reminded me of my sister. Gratefulness. She's brilliant at it. She doesn't have a complaint in her body. Not one. She can find the best part of any soul & every circumstance. True story.

When I was eight years old my mom had a baby girl. Our family collectively named her Jacalyn Stephanie McCarthy. We call her Jasi. She was perfect. Still is. She belonged to all of us but I called her mine. She brought hope and light & love to our little world. A fresh new focus. Joy that only a baby can bring. She was much needed. Sweetest gift. My mom was in emotional crisis during pregnancy. Swept away to a mental hospital. Us three littles swept away to grandparents. Dad 

worked to keep our family 

afloat. I have scattered memories of that season. The best 

one of all. Baby sister. Out of every struggle comes something good. She is so good. Bright beauty. Shining star.

She grew up & married her darling high school sweetheart. Forges a gorgeous healthy marriage. Raises four amazing kids. Owns a fun&fabulous hair salon. Creates a happy full-of-love life at the beach. Turns hardships into growth&change. 

She's that one. The one that knows how to live life full on. Love her people well. A hoper, a dreamer, a doer. Interested. Interesting. She's a fairytale. If you know her, you agree. If you don't, you wish you did. She makes life better. She's loyal&true. She's grace. She's mine.

Lucky me. 

weekends.

.

Three years ago we moved our kids away to school & bought a bungalow at the beach. All in the same month. It was nuts. We had talked one day and some day and if only. All the dreams.  Then from out of the blue. Bam. The Bungalow. You guys. She's super cute. & sweet. & just perfect for us. We adore every magical bit of her. 700 square feet of heaven. Our weekend happy place. She got dolled up with some white paint & striped fabrics. She's light & open. Cozy & easy. We show up on Friday with a smile &bottle of wine and settle in. I mean. Seriously. Look at her cuteness.

Weekends have a familiar simple&sweet rhythm. Light-hearted fun. Restful days & friend-filled evenings. Dinner at Zorros. Breakfast at Seaside. Happy hour next door. (wait. did I mention mike&kelly live next door...:) Football watching in the man cave. Morning hikes on the ridge. 

Kayaks& bikes & reading &campfires & friends stopping by...sunsets & sweatshirts& 

whalewatching. 

Our little bungalow has become part of our story. She's a place we connect deeper& dream bigger. 

A place where a weary soul is restored....just in time for another Monday. Thank you darling bungalow. You're our favorite.

growing.

'Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.'  Matthew 5:5

This second half of life gig is really something. I have new eyes. Didn't ask for them. Didn't think I needed them. In fact, I was sure I saw pretty clearly. Worked hard at knowing all the important things. Studied scripture like it was my job.  Had most of God figured out. Until, I didn't. It scared the crap out of me. The old me was black&white. Either/Or. In&Out. This/That. All/Nothing. Had an answer. Had the passage to back it up. Spoke the 'truth' in 'love' often. Holy. Obedient. Passionate. Then, suddenly.....I got new eyes.

Suddenly. God is big. Unexplainable. Uncontrollable. He no longer fits in my little mindset. Tit for tat. You do this...you get that. I can't make sense of Him. Can't explain Him. Can't control Him. A beautiful Mystery. A marvelous Wonder. I'm learning to live in the big wide space of wonder & mystery.  Of 'I don't know.'  Of letting go. Of surrender. Of paradox. Of contradictions.  Of illogical & unreasonable GRACE. I don't need to be right. Ever. About anything. I'm open. I'm a believer in the God of unconditional love. In the God who brought me life and hope and freedom. The God who keeps growing & healing & transforming me.  In the God who gave me new eyes.  &I'm dazzled by them.

healing.

'Jesus said to him, "I will go and heal him."  Matthew 8:7

We're settling in. I'm hanging cute stuff on the walls. Meeting neighbors. Friends stopping by to peek and chat and bring treats. I'm even cooking a bit. It's feeling like home. We're quite happy here. Making memories already. No big parties yet. Mostly a friend or two on the patio with wine & cigars. Or.  On the sofa with a coffee or pellegrino&lime. I feel sometimes like I'm in a movie. We say to each other at least once a day, 'can you believe we get to live here?'  And then we sigh & smile & kiss. (romantic comedy❤️)  This move has been a good one.

Now. Can I tell you about my gray sofa? It's cozy and comfy and super cute. But mostly...it's a place of healing. When a friend stops by we plop down to tell our secrets. Happy&sad&scary&hopeful.....all the things. Kid stuff. Husband stuff. Heart&soul stuff. Listening. Telling. Exchanging words that matter. Rooting for. Loving. Understanding. Raw honesty. To know & be known. Friendship. Doesn't get better. It's life. It's healing.

I'm reading the gospels. What I find mostly is Jesus talking & healing. Talking & healing. Talking & healing. I like that. I'd like to be more like Him. My words to heal. To love. To encourage. I want us all to make it. For real.❤️ (Come over.)

affection.

'My dove in the cleft of the rock, in the hiding places on the mountainside, show me your face, let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely.'  Song of Songs 2:14

I'm doing a bit of studying and organizing thoughts today. Speaking to some beauties at St. Francis Church in the morning. I'm happy about the topic. 'God's definitive declaration of affection.'  I mean. There's SO much. From my experience. He's declared His fondness for me over & over & over....times infinity. All the sufferings. All the happys.  All the kinds of LOVE have been the cornerstone of my existence. His love for me is relentless & persistent and FIERCE.  There isn't one condition for it. I don't have to be or do a thing. He is especially in love with me.  I can't be convinced of anything else. I live in it. Trust it. Don't overthink it. I can't lose it. Nothing I can do to make Him love me less. No good deed will help Him love me more. Actually. It's impossible for Him to love me more than He already does. He loves me to the moon and back..again&again...It's crazy really. Illogical. I wish I could help you see what I see and feel what I feel so you can know it too. And you may. I hope so.  Because it's a wonder. It's the way I feel about my kids. Yet even more than that. Crazytown. Unreasonable. Unthinkable. Impossible.

I've met the lover of my soul & He is exquisite.❤️

grace.

"They will be like a tree planted by water who sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; it's leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit." Jeremiah 17:8

Thirty years ago jeff and I planted a little baby tree called 'us'. We were too young & naive to understand the needs of that fragile little thing. We were distracted. We were lazy. We were selfish. Five years of marriage and our tree was a pitiful twig. Not a leaf or root to be found. I remember how I felt. I was 27. Lonely & sad & convinced I married the wrong guy. I loved him. I wasn't IN love. All the big feelings were gone. I wanted OUT. I thought he might be relieved. I thought he might feel the same. He wasn't. He didn't. We counseled together. We counseled separately. We needed some clues& tools. We had neither. We had no clue how to talk to each other. No clue how to listen. No clue how to resolve anger. No clue how to really love. We didn't know how to water our little baby tree. To give it healthy roots. To give it a chance to grow and flourish. We got help. Year six of our marriage we used the tools &clues given and practiced. We practiced&practiced. We keep practicing. Every single day we practice. We practice the little graces of staying&listening&loving. Slowly&surely&quietly our little tree grew.

Tomorrow morning when the sun comes up we'll celebrate 30 years of marriage. That's a lot of days of grace.  My soul is amazed by it. Charmed by it. Deeply grateful for it. This little baby twig of a tree called 'us' grew up. She is beautiful&flourishing. Life-giving&sheltering. Her roots are deep. She's a place of hope&respite. Strong&safe. Shady&sure. She's the story of God. The story of ordinary miraculous lessons learned&practiced. She's the story of grace.

Happy Happy Day to my Prince. The love of my life. You who've made all my dreams come true. Thanks for staying. Here's to thirty more years of GRACE.❤️

perfect. (part 2)

"Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect." Matthew 5:48

Every family carries a measure of dysfunction. I've never met one that is perfect. Sometimes the ones that appear the most perfect are, in fact, the most broken. Our McCarthy family was broken but  beautiful. I have a deep & loyal love for us. I'm grateful for the precious gift. Looking back helps in the moving forward and making sense. Much of the way I raised my kids and live my life is because of my experience with my mother. Growing up in a chaotic environment left me with a need for order & self-discipline. For control & peace. A happy family life. I may have thought there was such thing as a perfect mom. I poured myself passionately into the job.  I wanted to be the mom I wished mine had been.

Turns out. It wasn't as easy as it looked. I think for every one thing I got right... I got ten things wrong. Because "perfect" isn't a thing. We compare our insides to everyone else's outsides. It's a trick.
It's impossible to ever be enough. Luckily, I have wise kids. They never bought into the pressure. They pushed back. They've taught me and are teaching me about grace. About living a fearless life. Free of living up to expectations and conditions. Free of the need to prove themselves. Free to figure out who they are and where they're headed. Tattoos and all:)  perfect in their imperfections. They've been my best teachers in the school of mothering. Especially in the classroom of LeTTiNG GO.  My kids dazzle me. They're SO brave. So beautiful.

Jesus says to me 'be perfect ....be whole....include all your imperfections.  Be happy when you discover a new fault. When you screw up. Talk about it. Write about it. Be vulnerable. You won't have any grand illusions or reputation to live up to.  That's when all the greatness begins.' So. Yep. That's what I'm practicing. ❤️