paying attention.

"Because your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips will praise you." Psalm 63:3

I'm paying attention to the lovingkindness of God.  This day today filled with freedom. Blank space on my calendar.  Holding room to notice&protect the quiet hours.  The ones reminding me that He is here. He is with me.  The grace of one day. When my mind is quiet and still.  I feel my own breath.  Inhaling peace.  Exhaling gratitude. His spirit keeping me company.  He invites me into this secret place. It's sacred&holy. Effortless.  Whisperings of  I'm with you& I'm for you.  A private happiness.  It's what lovingkindness feels like to me.

 Also. Patio parties. The hours spent with people and food & music. Candles&tulips. Champagne & dancing and cigars.  I notice him here too.  In the sweet magic of these days&nights.  The way we're connected by laughter because every little thing is funny. Connected by beauty because every single soul is stunning. The air alive with belonging & energy &whimsy. Locking arms& holding hands.  Twirling&singing under stars & twinkle lights. Choreographed by a God who thought it all up.  Every good& sparkly moment.  A crowded happiness. This too feels like lovingkindness to me.

And then. When a neighbor drops by unannounced and sits on my sofa and tells me her secrets.  When I've hurt a precious friend and I meet her in a parking lot to apologize for my screw-up & she shows me more grace than I deserve. When my husband walks through the door at lunch with a bottle of fancy champagne because he feels badly about not recording the Oscars. When my kids call. When I text my people to come for tacos and they all show up to gather at the table. Anytime I receive an invitation. Or someone is brave enough to start a conversation that matters. Or sends a word of encouragement. Reads this blog. Smiles at me when I'm on a run. When I feel small but still valued. It's all lovingkindness. It's better than life& I'm paying attention.

this gorgeous life.

"Finally, sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable-if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things." Philippians 4:8

Healthy people are drawn to healthy people. This is what I've been noticing. And by healthy, I mean anyone who takes full responsibility for her life.  To grow, change, evolve. She listens and observes and keeps her heart&mind open to possibility. She doesn't whine, complain, criticize or make excuses. She's brave & honest about her messy parts & insecurities and screw-ups. She talks to you and not about you.  She speaks of hope & resolve & doing the-next-right-thing.  She lives in a spirit of kindness, generosity & fun. She doesn't take herself too seriously. She doesn't have to be right. I trust her. She's contagious. Healthy friends beget healthy friends. I'm picky about who I spend time with.

And so i've been hanging out with her. She influences me. We don't spend one second talking about anybody else. We spend little time on things we're against. We spend our words on what we are FOR. What we're learning&reading&doing.   How we're feeling. What we're thinking. Where we're headed. The promise of today. The excitement of tomorrow. How far we've come. The wonder of the journey. Lesson by lesson. Step by step. Bird by bird. We're seekers& pioneers.

Most of my best//worst life lessons have come from relationships. I take responsibility for my role in each one. I was co-dependant or passive aggressive and I needed a lesson. I see and feel & realize so much purpose& love& growth. Also, the reality that relationships have seasons. My heart hurts when a friendship ends or changes and we have no explanation other than we grew apart. I'm always a bit sad and bewildered. I know that moving on sometimes means leaving behind. I'm not sure that its right or wrong//good or bad. It just is. Led in different directions. It's necessary. Part of our story as friends&humans.  Hopefully, love& sweet memories remain. For me, yes.  Always love &sweet memories.

We become like the people we spend our time with. For sure. We get to choose. My heart&mind//soul&being is set on whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable &praiseworthy. This is my intention when my eyes open in the morning. Every single day. I get to choose. I choose who I listen to. I choose what I think about. I choose the words I speak.

Ordinary to extraordinary. The Spirit beckons me to wholeness& healing& l o v e.  To being present &completely engaged in THIS GORGEOUS LIFE.

2014.

"Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure." Psalm16:5

Happy. Happy. Happy New Year. I'm

all about NEW.  I love fresh starts. I adore change and resolutions & let's try something DIFFERENT.  January is my crush.  I have all kinds of  plans and intentions for this BRIGHT& SPARKLY YEAR ahead.  How-ever.  Before I write about new things and moving forward....I need to sit still a moment & give my deepest heartfelt thanks to last year for being so damn AWESOME.  No seriously.
I just re-read my first post of 2014 . I remember how scared I was to write honest words that I knew would raise eyebrows among a couple of groups of people in my life. I wrote about leaving church. I wrote about my gay brother. I wrote true words that were hiding quietly underneath the practiced & perfected words that I had been speaking for so long. I was brave& honest and it changed me.

A year later. Here I am. This is the real me. Truly.  I'm not afraid to speak up and say what I need to say. I trust myself. I trust the voice in my head. It's much kinder & less bossy than it used to be. I don't need to be right. I don't need you to agree with me. I just need to speak. I appreciate ANYpreciousONE who listens & hears without judgement. Because we all need to speak & be heard. We just do.

                                                             

So. CHEERS to 2014. You were so very good to me. You provided all the days I needed to change and grow and face my fears. I completely enjoyed you, am thankful for you &I'll never forget.

christmas.

"But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart." ❤️Luke 2:19

Thank you, December. You did it. You absolutely were the best one. Way to go. Every sweet moment that could possibly be held & remembered & treasured, you provided. You wrapped up a magical year like a boss. Christmas week was the S T A R.

We hosted a few of our merriest parties and filled our cottage up with family&friends&neighbors//old&new. Many of our most favorite people were here and it was so super FUN. We even hired a caterer & bartender which is about as fancy as we get. 

Christmas EveEve was McCarthy Chili Verde Night. It's tradition & yummy & really special. Our family is warm&silly& everyone is FUNNY. We laugh the whole night through. It feels good. I'm 

deeply thankful for McCarthy's. We belong to each other.

(Plus. Now we have secret service. So don't worry about us. We're safe:)

We celebrated Christmas Eve at my parents and Christmas Day at my Ant Bert's. Every minute together was filled with love&games&food& laughter & a deep sense of gratitude. 

The night before Christmas sleepover was the cherry-on-top. Best friends&matching blankies& mimosas to toast our brand new happily-engaged couple. IT WAS MAGIC.

And so now I've been pondering and treasuring. My family says I say it every year. But TRULY. 

For so many beautiful reasons. THIS WAS THE MERRIEST CHRISTMAS EVER.

family.

'Then those who feared the Lord talked with each other, and the Lord listened and heard. A scroll of remembrance was written in His presence concerning those who feared the Lord and honored His name.' Malachi 3:16

At holiday season I get really really terribly nostalgic. Normal. Right? It's a few days before Thanksgiving. &A L M O S T Christmas. Which are truly the VERY same thing in my mind.
Completely& hopelessly thankful for the GIFT of God. For the gift of Grace. For the gift of Life&L O V E &family. My cute red christmas stuff is out. Because I can't help it. Because it's our first holiday in our new/old rambling cottage house. And because it's important. To welcome a season who's aim is joy&peace. Anticipation has settled in my heart.

I'm hoping to chronicle the next month here. Thanksgiving at the beach. (Tradition at my sissy's.) Christmas in Bakersfield. (Tradition at my house & My Ant Bert's.)  A month 

of L O V E  leading to Christmas. Filled up with the best family&friends ever.  You guys. My calendar & my heart are already F U L L.  

MerryMerry.

thanksgiving.

'Listen, listen to me, & eat what is good and your soul will delight in the richest of fare.' Isaiah 55:2

Super thankful. For a million tiny beautiful reasons. I'm in love. With life. With God. With my brilliantly wonderful people. Can't remember a year that has been richer, deeper or more sacred. Listening to the voice that matters. Eating what is good. Paying attention to the present. Staying out of other people's business. Noticing the graces of the moment. Staying inspired. Enjoying honest connection. Finding the good in our difference. Open to all things new. Learning from everyone. Spending my yes's wisely. Deciding who I will disappoint(&knowing it's ok). Understanding which circus &monkeys are mine(&knowing which aren't). Creating my own wild & precious life. Moment by moment. Day by day. 

This has been a glorious year. Of healing.Transformation. Reconciliation. Every step. Every struggle. Every misunderstanding. Every mistake. Every disappointment. Every regret. Every tear. All necessary. It all belongs. Because now I'm HERE. I like it here. It's anti-hustle. Anti-frantic. Anti-competitive. Anti-judge-y. HERE is warm & whimsical & silly. It's quiet &peaceful &content. It's spacious &open &free. My heart& soul &mind whispering thankyouthankuouthankyou.

chicago.

'For you were once darkness, but now you are light in The Lord. Live as children of light.' Ephesians 5:8

I went to Chicago last week for a magical adventure. A writers conference spilling over with good energy & lit-up people. It was everything I hoped it would be. Beyond.  Donald Miller. Shauna Neiquist. Glennon Melton. Bob Goff. I hugged and met & instagramed these dreamy authors. I listened and scribbled notes while they told secret stories. I was in heaven. Not one thing is sweeter to my soul than hearing an honest true brave hard-to-tell real life story. The one that tells me W H O you A R E.  I'll fall head over heels in love with you on the spot. 

This is Glennon Melton. I have a crush on her. She's a soul lover. Truth teller. Super brave writer. I feel connected to her because she lets me know who she actually is when she writes. She lives in light. Carries it with her like a torch. Leaves a little sparkle wherever she goes.  See. Look. We're all glowy & sparkly.

These are my real-life friends. Darci&Rhonda. They're the coolest. I made them come with me.

 I think they're glad they did.

There are so many best parts about Chicago.  I'm slowly sorting them out like Halloween candy. 

Don't want to forget. I like to remember that I have lots of space to grow. To be better. Kinder. Braver. It's really so exciting. To know that we can change. That we create our own lives. That we don't have to be stuck. Ever. That we're all wanted& loved &treasured by God. That he invites us into a life of 

rich connection&light. Unnecessary to fight over it. More than enough for us all. I got to witness it. Be a part of it. Share in it. Bring it home with me. Five days of church.

Thanks, Windy City.❤️