my love story.

'My lover is mine and I am his.' Song of Songs 2:16

Marrying Jeff Showers is by far the best decision I've ever made.  Almost 31 years into this and he keeps surprising me with his goodness. His loyalty keeps winning my heart. Over & over.

 I had lunch with a friend a couple of weeks ago and she asked me if our marriage was as magical as it seems. I said yes. Absolutely.  For me, yes. I can't answer for Jeff, but he seems so happy. I feel completely adored by him. I don't know everything that is going on in his heart & mind obviously, he might have some wicked secret that I don't know about....BUT I would be SHOCKED. That night at dinner on the patio....with our little salads & wine, I told him about the lunchtime conversation. Immediately he says, "You know how you only see the very top of an iceberg but what you don't see is a million times more massive?  That's how in love with you I am. More than you'll ever know." I mean. That was a great response. The best part is I believe him.

It's not that we have it all figured out or that our life together is perfect. We have normal amounts of tensions & miscommunications & difference of opinions. We get on each other's nerves from time to time. What makes our story magical is we've grown together. I keep talking to him.  He keeps talking to me. We both listen. He knows the little things that make me happy. He pays more attention to me than to anything or anybody else. Yet I never feel smothered. He works so hard. He goes to his office every morning at 6:15.  He is the one who makes all the money. He pays all of our bills. I make ZERO money. Zero. Zilch. Yet, I am free to do as I please. He doesn't make me feel guilty or controlled by any of it. He trusts me. I trust him. It's such a big deal. So rare. We've worked our way to this place. It's a dreamy dream.

Marriage is a crap shoot. I stand by that. However. When a man loves a woman the way that mine loves me, the odds are in your favor. I have more respect and admiration for Jeff than any other human being on the planet. He is true. He is safe. He is a blast. He could write a book on how to keep
your wife falling madly in love with you every single day. It would be a best seller. A true story. Lucky me.❤️

the poison of gossip.

"Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones." Proverbs 16:24

Here's what I know. Gossip is poison. Most relationship drama that we suffer is because of four stupid habits. We make assumptions. We take things personally. We gossip to gain support. We make excuses to justify behavior. It's a toxic pattern. I'm guilty. Your guilty. We cause our own pain & suffering.  It's so completely ridiculous and juvenile and absurd, yet we do it all the time. We are loving, kind, wise, beautiful women who hurt each other and mostly ourselves with this craziness. We don't mean to. We don't want to. We're always sorry. It's never our intention to harm anyone. And yet, it goes on & on & on.......



The little heart wound that I've been tending to the past few weeks turns out to have been caused by me. There is no one to blame. No one did me wrong. I hurt myself. I followed the long winding rabbit trail back a couple of years to where it started. I had made an assumption. I took it personally. I talked about it to the wrong people. I justified my behavior. I caused the mess. I broke my own heart. I'm sorry. I'm relieved. This clarity & responsibility brings me peace.

What I keep learning is my word creates the events in my life. It's my most powerful tool. I can lie to myself and spread poison with gossipy opinions. Or I can be impeccable with my word and bring life. It's my choice. The energy I give out is the energy that comes back. The journey is real. Practice new habits. Don't take one thing personally. Ask the right person honest questions. Talk it through.
Stop talking about it. Move on. It's a brave & happy way to live. Drama free life. Sweet to the soul. Healing to the bones.

         

truth telling.

"Instead of the thornbush will grow the pine tree, and instead of the briers the myrtle will grow." Isaiah 55:13

I'm at the bungalow for a couple of days by myself.  It's quiet. It's honest. It's clear. I'm intently looking at a wounded spot in my heart that needs some healing. I'm working hard to get to the bottom of it. It's the only way forward. It's a small part of my story.  Here goes.

I've been a classic co-dependent in most of my relationships my entire life. There's a definite pattern. I care so much about everyone and lean in way hard. Sometimes it goes well and we work through bumps in the road. This brings healing and a way forward. Carry on.

However, sometimes sadly, it crashes and burns to the ground. Destroyed. This completely devastates me. I'm undone. I feel wounded. Taken advantage of. Betrayed. It all becomes a messy mess that no one is brave enough to talk about. It's a cycle. Ugh. That's my general relationship experience in a nut shell. My entire life. All or nothing. I know. How embarrassing.

So here's the thing. I'm absolutely determined to end this little gig. I've made so much progress. But I've got a ways to go. Bear with me. I'm doing lots of practicing and searching & unraveling. Telling the truth to myself. It's kinda painful. Yet,  I've made up my mind. I'm committed. No more co-dependency for me. I'm doing my best. Eyes wide open. Brave to speak the needed words. I have a plan. I think it's solid.

It's 100% on me. My voice. My actions. My word. My responsibility. My thoughts. My intentions. A healthy life-giving relationship with any human is completely&absolutely up to me. With Jeff. With kids. With family. With friends. If I'm healthy, my relationships will be healthy. It's not you. It's me. Done.

This is why I do soul work. This is why I write. I need transformation. It's me that needs the change. I'll keep you posted.

be the light.

"You are the light of the world." Matthew 5:14

Be the light.  Life is a whimsical gift. The secret to living a life that you love is letting it be exactly what it is. Not what you think it should be. Look around you. Pay close attention to the simple pleasures. The sweet little gifts. Notice the ones who offer you love & kindness. Those who listen& care without motive. Take responsibility for your own happiness. Not one single person, situation or circumstance will make you happy. It's completely up to you. Do your soul work. Every single day do one good thing for your soul. Take care of your mind. Speak gentle words to your heart. Let go of bitterness and anger. Forgive and move on. Don't slander. Don't gossip. Don't compare. Let your words be truth & light. Don't take anything personally. Don't make assumptions.  Never lose sight that just living is fun. Read a delightful book. Go for a long walk with a sweet friend. Fill your mind with positive thoughts. Surround yourself with wonderful people. It's never too late to be who you've always wanted to be. Be generous. Be present. Be nice. Be funny. Be good. Be brave. Be honest. Don't blame. Don't settle. Don't criticize. Don't rush. Stay still. Stay quiet. Stay humble. Stay focused. Stay in your own lane and swim your own race. There is only one you.

This is the beginning of anything you want. God is for-ever chances. God is for-ever tries. Never forget that. Don't get stuck. Don't lose your wonder. Choose now. Choose grace. Choose joy.  Make a fairytale and go live it. It starts with you. There's no life that's better than yours. You are the light of the world. Be the light.

the gift of being known.

"O Lord, you have searched me and you know me." Psalm 139:1

I like social media. I post pictures on Facebook and Instagram. I adore Pinterest. I write my thoughts on this blog.  I don't do it to brag or make myself appear to be something I'm not. I do it because I want to be seen. I long to be known. I do it because I belong to a little community of inspirational souls who have the same desire. Sometimes we get it wrong and post bullshit.  It's ok. We each have a little of that in us.  However, for the most part....I follow stunning, creative, honest & funny people who I want to know better. I look forward to your posts. I'm curious about you. What you're doing. Who you're doing it with. How you live. ESPeCIAlLY if you're mostly honest. It helps me feel less alone. More connected. You inspire me to live a better life. One that is a bit more vulnerable & authentic. You're good for me. You've helped me to grow.

It's all a part of my real life. My truest story. I'm not afraid to be seen. I'm living with my soul open.  I'm available. I actually long for you to know who I am. Show up at my door and I'll swing it wide open. Ask me anything and I'll tell.  I haven't always been this way. I've been doing the brave soul work of looking at my crap & nonsense. My shame & fear. All the things that get in the way of a wondrously free & happy life. I'm slowly but surely changing the tapes in my head.  Moving forward with a fresh set of rules.  A new language that matches what my heart is saying. Understood by some and mis-understood by others. It's risky. It's good. It matters. It all belongs. Because I believe that truth & love & connection is what life is all about. It's why we're here. It gives purpose and meaning to our crazy days. We belong to each other. We're here to walk one another home. It's a lovely, painful, sacred journey. I'm happy to be one of the marchers linked arm&arm.

Get to know who you are. Let others know who you are. Let go of who you think you ought to be. Be you. Let me assure you it's terrifying, and yet absolutely endearing and attractive. To be honest... we can smell phony and scared and fake a mile away. It just doesn't work. It's a waste of precious time. I'm honored when you tell hard stories. Say the scary words. The greatest act of courage is to be and own all that you are. Without apology. Without excuses & without any masks to cover the truth of who you truly are. We'll be besties for life. I promise. Plus. It's super FUN.

still growing up.

"The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Zephania 3:17

I turned 54 years old this month. Jeff calls march 'the month of kym'. As he should. It was fabulous. In every little way. I adore birthdays.  I like growing older. I super like growing up.  I have collected the most beautiful tribe of people you can imagine. TRULY. I've been celebrating with each one of them every single day since march began. Small sparkly soirees and filled-to-the-brim whimsical parties.  Face to face one on one sweet dates. All a collection of kind words and life-giving encouragements. Dancing and laughter & songs & gifts wrapped up in bows. Yummy food & delicious drinks.  All my favorite things.

I'm fifty-four freakin years old.  It's unbelievable.  I remember when my dad turned fifty and we threw him a surprise party and I thought he was OLD. It was just yesterday. And now.  This.  It doesn't feel like 54. It feels like time stood still and I'm just enjoying & relishing life. Not like I'm OLDER. I feel young and alive and hopeful about the future and people and God and  EVeRYTHING. I'm understanding what true love and deep abiding happiness is. What a life of WONDER looks like. It's opening my eyes& heart & soul every morning knowing I have SO much to learn. That all these magnificent people in my tribe are the ones teaching me.  The glorious books I'm reading keep busting me wide open. The beautiful spirit of truth awakening me to a different rhythm. A new understanding. A way that is bigger and brighter. Less fearful & more inclusive. I'm still growing up. It's surprising at my age that I haven't figured it all out by now. But how much FUN life has become because of it. This journey is brave and glorious. It's mysterious & complex. It's groovy & magical.

I'm saved. I'm delighted in. I'm rejoiced over. This is the house I live in. I'm growing up in this house.

paying attention.

"Because your lovingkindness is better than life, my lips will praise you." Psalm 63:3

I'm paying attention to the lovingkindness of God.  This day today filled with freedom. Blank space on my calendar.  Holding room to notice&protect the quiet hours.  The ones reminding me that He is here. He is with me.  The grace of one day. When my mind is quiet and still.  I feel my own breath.  Inhaling peace.  Exhaling gratitude. His spirit keeping me company.  He invites me into this secret place. It's sacred&holy. Effortless.  Whisperings of  I'm with you& I'm for you.  A private happiness.  It's what lovingkindness feels like to me.

 Also. Patio parties. The hours spent with people and food & music. Candles&tulips. Champagne & dancing and cigars.  I notice him here too.  In the sweet magic of these days&nights.  The way we're connected by laughter because every little thing is funny. Connected by beauty because every single soul is stunning. The air alive with belonging & energy &whimsy. Locking arms& holding hands.  Twirling&singing under stars & twinkle lights. Choreographed by a God who thought it all up.  Every good& sparkly moment.  A crowded happiness. This too feels like lovingkindness to me.

And then. When a neighbor drops by unannounced and sits on my sofa and tells me her secrets.  When I've hurt a precious friend and I meet her in a parking lot to apologize for my screw-up & she shows me more grace than I deserve. When my husband walks through the door at lunch with a bottle of fancy champagne because he feels badly about not recording the Oscars. When my kids call. When I text my people to come for tacos and they all show up to gather at the table. Anytime I receive an invitation. Or someone is brave enough to start a conversation that matters. Or sends a word of encouragement. Reads this blog. Smiles at me when I'm on a run. When I feel small but still valued. It's all lovingkindness. It's better than life& I'm paying attention.